In a few hours it will be midnight….the beginning of the last day of the year….

It’s been a wild ride….

I want to take a moment and just express thanks….

Thanks to God for the blessings….as bad as things have been this year they could have been worse….and I have also had some good things happen as well….I believe that in the good times and (even more so) in the bad, it’s important to recognize and THANK God….and I don’t do so nearly enough….

Thanks to my true friends….those who have been there for me when I needed them and who have as much concern for me as I do for them….some of my friends I realize I haven’t been as true to as they’ve been to me….I’ll do my best to be better….

And lastly thanks to those who have made my life harder….family or otherwise, no one is placed in your life without reason….every struggle helps you to recognize a weakness or a strength in yourself that you didn’t know you had….I realized that I have the strength to say no and the strength to eliminate negativity from my life….

I don’t know what I’ll be doing as the New Year comes in….but whatever I do, I’m going to be thankful for the year that was and hopeful for the year that will be!

As if this year weren’t already the worst in my life it took two steps further in cementing “year in hell” status….

The first event isn’t all that big a deal in retrospect….I will no longer be dealing with someone who I foolishly have considered a friend for years, despite his constant need to belittle me for his own selfish reasons….

I’ve given this guy hundreds of dollars when he needed it and basically been a friend through thick and thin….in the meanwhile, I have endured countless insults, disses, and embarrassing moments at his hands….it’s one thing to “crack” on your friends….while I am sensitive, I can deal with that kind of thing….but when you start to tell embarrassing stories/secrets for no other reason than to get a few laughs humiliate someone that’s a whole different story….I’ve had enough abuse….my self esteem can’t take it anymore….I don’t need friends who get off on seeing causing the suffering of their friends for a laugh….I blame myself for putting up with it for so many years….slowly but surely I’m becoming more assertive about letting people run over me….

The far more significant event happened yesterday afternoon….I was sitting at home playing Marvel vs. Capcom 2 on my PS2….I glanced out of the corner of my eye and noticed that there was some smoke coming out of the wall above our fireplace….without hesitation I called upstairs to my mother who called 911 and, we thought, put out the little spark behind the fireplace….as the firemen arrived however, I noticed that there was still significant smoking coming from the siding on the deck of our house….the firemen cracked the wall and lo and behold the whole interior between the brick outside and the wall was aflame….

Long story short, we had to wake me dad up and get him out of a smoke filled house….if we had been asleep we would have lost everything….as it stands the wall above the fireplace has been destroyed and the house has the odor of smoked wood….

Two more days in this worst year ever….at this point I just hope we make it out alive….

Rolled out with the homie Eulus last night….

We went to his house and talked with his moms for the first time in a long time….it was good seeing her….

We then went to go scoop up his cousin, the beautiful Brandy….

After getting some breath mints and vodka chaser cranberry juice we hit buckhead for some Thursday night free clubbing….but that was non-existant so Brandy mentions “The City” also known as Magic City….

Well, I don’t mind telling you that I will hit the occassional strip club, and Magic City is the once and future king of ATL strip clubs….anyway, I saw one of the homies from Meharry with a cousin I hadn’t seen in a few years (names withheld)…..turns out my cousin grew up with homeskillet from school….

Anyway my cousin paid for my admission, a drink, and a dance….I have a weakness for a certain type of female and I think he saw it based on the first dance I got….so I got a couple more dances or whatever….tipped the stage a few times (I’m such a cheapskate I usually don’t do that)….and then we headed out….

But I got to the car and noticed that I was missing something very important….MY WALLET….now I gotta admit, at first I thought that old girl who looked so good and shook it fast got me for it….I rushed back inside, the officer at the door seemed to be kinda skeptical at first, but he let me by…..

I went back to the spot I was sitting in and it wasn’t there….I kinda panicked and I was about to go to the bar and hope beyond hope that someone had turned it in when the clowning ass DJ called my name over the sound system….man I RAN up to the DJ booth…he was like, “You ain’t gotta run homie!”….turns out one of the security guards in the club found it as soon as I got up and took it to the booth….I looked inside and EVERYTHING was there, in tact….

Me and the homie Eulus said a few words to the big guy upstairs when we stepped outside, cuz something divine was looking out for me, in spite of my sinning ways….

Anyway, it’s gonna be awhile before I go back to the strip club again….I am taking what happened last night as a sign….

Merry Christmas (and Happy Festivus for the rest of us…..)

The title is from one of the favorite Christmas songs of me and my sisters….sung by James Brown, it holds a special place in our hearts….(just another title that has little to nothing to do with the content of this entry)

As I get older and further from the Christmas’s of my childhood I learn to really appreciate the ways of the world when I was growing up…..

I’m not gonna say that kids have it worse now they probably have it better ….but things have become so drastically different in the past 16 years….

16 years ago I wanted a bike, so that I could ride down to my best friend Mike’s house….I had a normal nuclear family, a mom, a dad, and my two baby sisters….people came over our house and we ate there….it was my last such Christmas….Mom and Dad got divorced the next summer…..

The next few Christmas’s were odd….we would alternate between being in Atlanta and Mississippi where my mom was from….gradually we worked out a routine that involved my grandmother and grandfather coming down Christmas Eve….

I’ve had some good Christmas’s and some bad ones….this year doesn’t really fall into either catagory….it’s sort of an indifferent Christmas….

Right now I care about the happiness of my mom and especially my dad….everything else is just gravy to me….I’m not concerned about what I may or may not get….I have no expectations….I just want to spend time with people I love, be loved, and give love….

Anyway that’s how I’m feeling early on this Christmas day….peace!

Well I spoke of reuniting with the homies last week….well last night we got together and went out on the town….well not really on the town….but Buckhead….and that was enough….

Nile had passes to the Havana Club….I saw a few people I hadn’t seen in awhile and a few others that I had only talked to in Blackplanet and AOL Instant Messenger….

Nile, Maurice, Eric, and I started at Nile’s crib drinking Coke and 151….I had forgotten what a beast 151 is….I felt the buzz as soon as we walked out of the apartment….

We got to the Havana Club and sho nuff our names were on the list….the bartender was pouring the drinks like a pro….she was cool (even though she told me I looked like P. Diddy)….if my money were right I woulda tipped better….

More drinks and mingling ensued….ran into a few of the Morehouse homies (Gerald and Jeff)….saw Nile’s big sister Nubia….the homie and old Honda teammate Chris with Will (aka Rev. Ike)….and I met Tiffany (aka the Sexy Seven) and Shawanna, two of my chatting buddies….

I downed a couple more beers….did some patented Calvin non-dancing and then we decided to head over to another club….Chris gave me some passes to Chaos but I only had two so that left Reggie (who met us up at Havana), Maurice, and Eric high and dry (okay not dry….cuz it was raining)….we went to Mako’s instead and laughed at some white folks cuz it was F-R-E-E….

A homeless dude rolled in there after a while and scared the white girls (who really, really like dancing with Black guys)….we ended up rolling out after a while….me and Nile headed to the Waffle House where he harrassed our waitress….it was funny as always….

All in all I had fun….I needed to get out of the house and kick it cuz I had gotten really, really lazy….anyway it’s Chrismas Eve….I was gonna go Christmas Shopping with the crew from last night, but I think I’m gonna do the after Christmas thing instead….

I’ll have more to say later on….Peace

I’m not perfect but I do my best….

I’m a product of my upbringing and my genes….I’m sensitive and compassionate…..that will help me in my future profession….but it’s a double edged sword…..

I’m also quick-witted and sharp tongued….I can hurt with my words….but I don’t mean to….what makes me so charming (at times) also makes me a big asshole….

I don’t want to hurt….but I end up hurting 9 times out of 10….I hurt the ones I love….and I get hurt because I love….

I don’t really know how to deal with myself all the time….I want to say that everything is gonna be alright but I really can’t….I can’t promise that I won’t hurt again….I can promise that I don’t mean to do it when I do….

I love hard….I strive for perfection….

I want everyone to like each other all of the time….but that’s not the way life works….life doesn’t care about wants….and sometimes it doesn’t care about needs either….

Life is really like the weather….never enough sun….too much sun….too wet….not wet enough….

And like a fool I’m looking for equilibrium….instead I need to just invest in an umbrella and some warm clothes….

Anyway….maybe one of you will understand what I’m saying….

no proofread….no edit….I’m out….

….not with THE OJ by my side….

As some of you may have noticed, my page was down for awhile for the reasons I stated earlier….

But like Pookie and his unkickable crack addiction, I’m back!!

So let’s talk about “pulling a Brock”….see my dad has a homie named Brock….one of his best friends from college….he’s one of the few adults I’ve known my entire life….

Anyway, with my dad still in recovery (it’ll be a year on Jan. 1st and I’ll take you step by painful step on that night so be back for that!) going out and kicking it is a big deal for him….it takes dad a great deal of effort to get dressed and what not….

So my mom gets a call early sunday morning from Brock saying how he’s going to pick my dad up so that they can go watch the football game, drink some brews, what have you….understandably dad gets “hyped up” about going out….

Fast forward to the 3rd quarter of the Falcons game as they begin their “el foldo” routine (I still can’t bring myself to talk about that game!) and dad is cussing up a storm, talking about “that nigga ain’t shit….see I knew he wasn’t coming….got me all hyped up” and all sorts of other things….

Well the homie Joe pulled a Brock on me Thursday afternoon….he got me all hyped up about coming to the 145 and beating him in some NCAA 2003 (imaginary score UGA Bulldogs 45- UT Castrated Cows 13)….I actually woke up before noon and got dressed….I gave him directions to the crib….and he never came….

Joe is still the big brother I never had….just as Brock is still one of my dad’s best friends….it’s just funny how these things work out for the father and the son….

Anyway….one of you readers needs to appoint yourself “official remind Calvin about the fact that his domain expires on Dec. 19, 2003 so his site doesn’t go down again” person….I’ll leave that for you all to debate in the comments….

OUT

Well folks….I forgot to renew the domain name of this place….you know….Killacal.net….and so if you’ve tried to come here recently and saw some search engine (the one I mentioned in the last entry you may not have seen) that is why….yes I am a dumbass…

I am sure I sounded like a complete idiot on the phone with the service technician for my hosting company (neit solutions….they are pretty great!)….

Anyway I paid my $15 so hopefully there will be no more problems….keep your fingers crossed!

Last night I had a panic attack of sorts….see I am behind on bills, today I’m depositing some emergency funds to pay my credit card bill….one of the things that credit card pays for is this site….

So imagine the feelings I felt when my sister Che came upon my site and found one of those “noone owns this domain so you can buy it, but you can also do a websearch here and get led to one of our products” sites….

I really went into full panic mode at this point….begging Che to use her computer while she was Christmas shopping so I could check my school e-mail and see if they had given me any type of written warning….they hadn’t…..

Che’s reaction to my panic had me more upset than anything though….I think I’ve worn out my welcome in record time this Christmas season….well…I’m upstairs on the ultra slow family computer because my computer use needs are not meshing well with using the laptop….in short I’ll take the short end in speed and what not to avoid conflict over using someone’s machine too much….

I still have a little less than 3 weeks left on this “vacation”!!….I might have to camp out at Nile’s earlier than I thought….

Oh and Joe got off the hook for what he pulled on me yesterday….at least for a while!!

Whew….

Very few people really fathom my laziness….Nile knows….Jeralyn has some idea….Geoff knows for sure….maybe OJ….

Well I am sitting here with this laptop on my lap….enduring this psuedo-seance show….you know the kind I’m talking about, where the host claims to channel the thoughts of some dead relative to his audience members with attatchment/grieving issues….

Anyway, I can’t stand mess like this….but the remote is on the kitchen table….and well, I’m in this comfortable chair chatting with Deah and Joe with this laptop in my lap….and Suga Che and Nina P are upstairs….and Dad’s taking a nap….and DAMN I’m lazy!!!

Anyway….I don’t know if she still comes here or not but if she does….I’m sorry for the way I acted and SOME of what I said….it doesn’t have to be the way I made it….when you said what you said (don’t ever, ever in your life……you know the rest) it pissed me off more than I initially thought….so there….I said it….