Maaaaaan I am sore….I mean REALLY sore from the gym…

I’m also weak as hell….I am actually embarrassed by how weak I am at times….but hey I gotta start from somewhere right?….

So the gym is an interesting place….true enough I’ve only been 3 days….but you see some interesting things there….there are alot of gay dudes at the gym….like working there and working out….why is that?….I’m not bothered by it or anything….I just noticed it almost immediately….

Also having gone 3 days in a row I have noticed that the people who go to the gym, for the most part go REGULARLY….I’ve seen alot of the same faces….I guess I can see why though….even though my muscles hurt I’m already semi-addicted….I really want to see how much and how fast I can improve myself….

At any rate I’m glad I am getting this weekend to recover….then next week I’m back into the routine….Monday and Wednesday is Chest, Back, and Triceps….Tuesday and Thursday is Biceps and Shoulders….all four days I hit the bike and bust a good sweat for about 15 minutes or so….

I’m about to turn into a gym rat….

[EDIT] I keep forgetting….I need to give a big shout out to the homie Amanda for the use of her books!!!!!!…she saved my life!!!….thanks Millennium Mandy (anyone notice that I spell Millennium differently every entry I use it in??)…she’s the greatest!! (I speak in hyperbole…everyone is the greatest Jeralyn, Heather, Andrea, Jamila….they all take turns) [/EDIT]

I pressed the reset button on my life….I get to start from my last save point (Aug. 2001)….I’m starting over….well not exactly, but you’ll get the idea….

Last night I read a literary criticism of “The Catcher In The Rye”….nothing in particular led me to do it…..I guess I just wanted to see what the “experts” thought of it, compared to what I got out of it….I am very glad that I did it….

See I was becoming/already am a 24 year old, Black version of Holden Caufield….Not liking anyone….holding everyone to standards that I don’t necessarily hold myself to….immature…..running away from problems instead of facing them directly….poor performance in class….alienating myself from my friends/people who care about me….having Madonna/whore complexes for women….no trust in anyone….even the whole holding the little sister(s) in the highest esteem (the only person Holden really respected throughout the book was his sister Phoebe…much like the regard I hold Nina and Che in)….I was/am Holden to a tee….

I don’t like that….I don’t want to end up the way he did….I am resolving to recognize this early and cut it off….I’m doing this in all aspects….

I’ve started to go to the gym regularly with Geoff and Dave to get my body right….I am devoting a great deal more time to reading for school so that I have read what the professor is covering before they cover it….and then reading through it again after class….I am going to change my diet (probably the hardest thing for me…I love spaghetti and Taco Bell so much!!)…..

Most important I am going to try and appreciate the people who really care for me and show me true friendship….Andrea, Jamila, and Jeralyn I’m sorry….ya’ll have a great deal of patience and fortitude for putting up with a crazy guy like me….I’m a work in progress….I got a ways to go….but hang in there with me….I really appreciate ya’ll….

I don’t know when exactly I snapped….but I’ve lost my marbles….I’m officially insane….one of those crazy dudes you see and react like, “Man, let me not say anything to that guy, he’s crazy”….yep, that’s me now….

You know what’s funny is that even when people KNOW you are crazy they won’t ever tell you that you are….they just sorta dance around it and avoid you instead….like this one crazy girl I know whose code name is “Luca Brasi” (read/watch The Godfather if that name isn’t familiar to you)….no one would ever come and tell her, “Luca, you are insane!”….

I actually wouldn’t mind if someone told me I was crazy I’d be like, “I know….I know”….I mean really what can I say? I know I’m crazy….I have my good moments…but I’ll also go off the deep end….

For instance….last week I was upset about something or the other….so I took a book that someone had borrowed from me and threw it across the hallway for no good reason….I didn’t throw it AT anyone….I just wanted it to slide across the ground….I also stomped on the book one time….those are the actions of someone who should be named Captain Insano….

Another instance….last night and earlier today I flew off the handle and overreacted extremely because my FRIENDS (like real true friends who have done nothing but good things for me and really care about me) and I miscommunicated and they went to go eat without me….I treated them like they didn’t mean jack shit to me….because of a PERCIEVED slight….that’s INSANE…..

Another instance of my insanity….I was supposed to meet up with a classmate who we will call “Hanna” for the purposes of this entry after class today….so I see someone wearing a blue shirt like “Hanna” had on leaving the lobby of the building….my crazy ass is chasing after her yelling, “Hanna, Hanna, Hanna!!!”….I was getting annoyed because I thought she was ignoring me….after about 10 seconds of yelling….she turns around, but it’s not “Hanna”….not even CLOSE….it’s a girl who doesn’t look ANYTHING like her besides the fact that she had on a blue shirt and she’s slim…..what makes it even worse is that the girl I was chasing and calling out of her name ALREADY thinks I’m the craziest nigga in Nashville….all I could do was cover my face in shame….

Yep….I’m officially NUTS….I will understand if you decide to read something else….or maybe people read this page BECAUSE of my insanity….I guess you have to be somewhat “un-normal” to have a blog….

My sister Nina is PURE ATLien….it’s so funny, because when you look at her in her haute couture clothing and her little frame, you could never tell…..your first thought if you saw her walking on campus at Spelman would be, “this young lady seems really quiet and sweet”….but she is the crunkest person I know….

One time I was in the club and i saw this girl who was no more than 5′3″ and had to weigh under a 100 pounds and she was THE CRUNKEST girl there….she was in a whole different world….and I think that’s probably how Nina is when she goes to the club (I’d immediately leave any club I actually saw her in of course)….

Nina called me last night, and her call couldn’t have come at a better time….I was feeling grumpy and I really don’t think I could have started my school year that way (today is the first day of official classes….pour out a little liquor)….Nina’s call really put a smile on my face….

As she told me about the antics of my little cousins all I could do was laugh….she told me that in Atlanta they had “Southwest Atlanta Day” and “Ben Hill Day” which she described as “mini-freakniks or like Mozley Park when people used to cruise through there on Sundays”….and she was out in the midst of it….she even ran into my cousin Steve while out there….

In alot of ways, whether she knows it or not, I live vicariously through her….we have our differences at times, but I really admire her so much….she’s just like my mother, but she got just a little bit more of my dad’s outgoing personality than I did….I can make a charming outgoing appearance but she is genuine with it….when everything was going haywire in 2001-2002 she was the one of us to hold it together the best….she’s one of the few people in my life that I KNOW I can talk to honestly without fear of being judged or back-stabbed….

I really hope I get a chance to spend some time with her really soon….but just talking to her for that hour or so was enough to get me through for a while…..

For a long time there was a huge blemish on my movie resume….I was forced to wing it in conversations and make like I knew exactly what people were talking about because I was ashamed that I’d never seen this movie…

This movie from 1992 featured a very young Omar Epps and Jermaine “Huggy” Hopkins….it also has Cindy Herron from En Vogue and Samuel L. Jackson wearing some bad clothing….and of course Tupac Shakur sporting a bad high top fade with a huge swooping curve in it….the movie I’m speaking of is Juice….

I’ll give you a minute to gather yourself from that bombshell….yes, Killa Cal the self professed movie buff had NEVER seen Juice….as is usually the case with movies that people haven’t seen that they shouldn’t it’s not like I was avoiding it….I’d come home and it would be halfway through on HBO….I have a thing about seeing a movie after 15 minutes had passed….you miss too much of the plot after 15 minutes….anytime before that and you can make up for it….

Anyway last night I caught it maybe 5 minutes in….and I was hooked from there….the movie was NO CLASSIC by any means….but in it’s element I can see how it gained it’s status as a “must see” movie for my peer group….Pac’s character Bishop was INSANE….I really hated seeing him act that way, but now I have a basis for understanding what record industry insiders mean when they say he started to “become” that character as he grew older….if that’s true it’s a shame….Bishop had NO redeeming qualities….he was a snake, a liar, and a scoundral….

Anyway, I’ve seen Juice….now if I could watch Citizen Kane….

I woke up this morning extra early….I was supposed to be a greeter for the incoming freshmen on their first day….I had on my white coat and I even had on a dress shirt a color other than blue or white (big move for me)….only one problem….I went to the wrong building….whoops….so I was all dressed up and out of bed early for NOTHING….well at least I got good practice for tomorrow….my days of sleeping in are OVER….matter of fact if you ever call me and I’m asleep, yell at me….no more sleep allowed while the sun is up for me….

Something tells me it’s going to be a long year….

Yesterday across the street from the Country Music Hall of Fame and adjacent to the Downtown Hilton there was an event that the whole world should have known about….The 2nd Annual Nashville Brewers Festival….

You pay the nice ladies at the tables $20 and they hand you a cup to drink all the beer you can until 9PM….they had beers from all sorts of local brewers….my favorite beer was the Sweet Magnolia beer made by the Big River Brewing Company, which is a restuarant around here….I hadn’t been before, but I’ll make it a point to go now….

What I found to be the most unbelievable fact was that when this beer festival was going on last year my weak ass was WASHING CLOTHES!!….yep, that was the excuse I used instead of going last year….I don’t understand it….next year instead of going at 7PM like I did this year, I’ll be there at 5….and then the next year I’ll be there at 3….

After the beer fest I went to Joe’s Crab Shack (also known as Eat At Joe’s)….I almost left my credit card there which would make it 2 times in a month that I lost some important plastic while in a drunken rage….

I came home and almost immediately passed out….I woke up at around 3 AM wondering why I smelled like Old Bay Crab Seasoning….I need more nights like that….

I did this once before….you remember….when I let my winamp play for awhile and made some commentary on the different songs that play….

First up is “Love Is” by Vanessa Williams and Brian McKnight….this was the first song I remember hearing Brian McKnight on….it was after an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (mighta been the one with Vivica Fox and Cory “Terrance Yohan Taylor from A Different World” Tyler)….anyway I immediately liked it….i spent MONTHS looking for it on tape or CD….

Now I have a little sound bite from Howard Stern called “Beetlejuice Bitches People Out”….I have mixed emotions about the Beetlejuice/Howard Stern thing….in a way I HATE the way they do him…but they do everyone like that….and he’s a funny guy….and something tells me it’s an act….in this soundbite he’s giving his “opinion” of various Howard Stern staffers calling them all sorts of bitches and stuff….it makes me laugh depending on my mood….

Next winamp has decided to play Faze-O’s “Riding High”….some of you might know it as “the song they sampled for Kriss Kross’s “Tonight’s The Night”"….they also played it as Craig got high in Next Friday….it’s good smoking music….now that I think about it, V-103 in Atlanta used to play it on one of their station promos….it’s one of those songs that you know you’ve heard before and just don’t know the name of it….damn it’s a long song….SKIP

I skipped a few tracks, sometimes I’m just not in the mood for certain songs….so now I’m playing “Reflections” by Diana Ross and the Supremes….you might know it as the theme song to China Beach (an ABC show in the late 80’s about the Vietnam War with Dana Delany)….it’s not really too much different from the other songs the Supremes came out with….with the snare drums and the tamboreens….

LOL….I find if funny that for the first time since the LAST time I did something like this, my winamp has played “Jasmine” by Black Rob and Carl Thomas….I STILL don’t know why I have this song on my playlist….skip!!

Some songs I will listen to at least the first verse everytime it gets randomly selected no matter what….H-Town’s “Knockin Da Boots” is one of those songs….”now I want that old thing back”….yes indeed….this song is a CLASSIC….it’s a shame that old boy Dino died….

“Tear Da Club Up” by Three Six Mafia is another song I have to be in the right mood for….NEXT….

Everytime I hear a Ma$e song (in this case “Wanna Hurt Ma$e”) it takes me back to another time….I have purchased that CD twice….this dude Nick from my summer program broke one of my copies while we were all drinking and joking around in my room….I was HEATED….it was one of my favorite CDs….Ma$e was underrated because he sounded a little retarded and was Puff’s lackey….but Ma$e was actually a decent rapper….I don’t care what any chewsticker or hip hop purist has to say….he had charisma and style….

In the next few songs I skipped I realized that Geoff has had a serious influence on the musical tone of my computer….I have alot of stuff I woulda NEVER dreamed of listening to….but some of them have grown on me….

Next song I will actually listen to is “So Ruff, So Tuff” by Zapp feat. Roger Troutman….sometimes you get caught up with the sound of the vocorder (the instrument that made his voice sound that way) that you don’t listen to the words Roger says….Roger put out some good music….another artist gone too soon….

Alexander O’Neal has become one of my favorite artists as I’ve gotten older….right now “Sentimental” is playing….this song is right up my alley….I’m really a soft, romantic guy who has become cynical and rough around the edges because of the way I’ve been treated in life….the true me comes out in my musical tastes though….sometimes if I get to an artist I really like I’ll listen to more than one song of theirs….I think I’ll listen to “The Morning After” now….Alexander O’Neal should have blown up!

Stevie Wonder is LONGSTANDING on my favorite artists list….but there was a song I’d never heard of until I peeped someone’s page (I don’t know if they are being incognito so I won’t say who….*waves@you…if you still read my stuff*)….anyway that song was, “With Each Beat of My Heart”….this young lady actually put me on to alot of good music….she has good taste….”there’s a time when playing ends/and the serious begins/like the love that I felt from the start/ with each beat of my heart”….yep Stevie is the man….

Tyrese is also one of my favorites….in this case I’m listening to his latest (and probably most well recieved) song….”Signs of Love Making”….I wouldn’t have thought it would be a big song, seeing as how I thought talking about astrological signs was played out….but I guess the way he puts it you can’t help but like it….”I met a scorpio…..*sigh* damn”….this song isn’t as good as “Lately” to me or even as good as “What Am I Gonna Do”….but it’s a good song nonetheless….

I’ll think I’ll end it on “Tender Love” by the Force MDs….most young hip hop heads know and love this song….some people know it from the beginning of Bone Thugs N Harmony’s “Days of Our Lives” from the soundtrack to Set It Off….older heads have probably sung it/had it sung to them at one point or another….the video on the stoop was classic….The lead singer Antoine “TC” Lundy died of complications from Lou Gehrig’s Disease (although the “nigga-net” had attributed his death to AIDS….a rumor I’m guilty of perpetuating)….

Damn I love music….R.I.A.A. be damned….

The homie E-Meezy informed me that one of our classmates from Morehouse killed himself recently….

I didn’t really know this guy all that well….he was a Trinidadian guy of East Indian decent….he was a kind of quiet guy to me, didn’t really say much outside of his circles….as is the case with most of the Trini’s at Morehouse he was a really serious student….the “nigga-net” says that he was upset to a great degree because he wasn’t going to be able to get his PhD…..

This saddens me in so many ways….

Anyone who reads this page often/knows me offline knows that I have my battles with depression and what not….but all jokes aside I’ve never really considered suicide….moments like now make me feel bad about any suicide related jokes I have cracked….I could never do it….

I care too much about the people who care for me (even though I don’t show it all the time)….I know how I felt when my various family members passed away and I don’t want to make anyone feel like I did….

Suicide is a really selfish act to me….it’s the most selfish thing you can do….I’d rather endure the shame of some scandal or suffer the consequences of some action I’ve taken than to go out that way….

And shit….let me be very real here….I’m afraid of death….having faith is all well and good….but for all the faith in the world there is still that .01% uncertainty….dead men tell no tales….no one knows what lies beyond that black veil of death….and I’m in no hurry to take a peek….

I feel really badly for the guy’s friends and family….they don’t deserve the pain they are likely going through….

I like this Friday Five so much it gets it’s own entry….

1. If your life were a movie, what would the title be? The book and movie about my life would be called, My Charmed Life

2. What songs would be on the soundtrack? I think I posted a “life soundtrack” at some point on this website…yep I did

3. Would it be a live-action film or animated? Why?It would be live action because I want people to take it seriously (even though parts of it would be comedy) and I want it to make as much money as possible….

4. Casting: who would play you, members of your family, friends, etc? I would of course be played by Sean “P. Diddy” Combs or if he isn’t available Deon Richmond (Bud from the Cosby Show)….Young Killa will be played by the little kid from Bernie Mac show….my sisters would be played by Gabrielle Union (Che) and Sanaa Lathan (Nina)….my mom would be played by Vanessa Bell-Calloway and my Dad would be played by Danny Glover (he’d have to get a full beard)….most of my friends would have to play themselves….I’d have to get Ving Rhames and Tyrese involved just for the hell of it….and my love interest would be Meagan Good of course…..

5. Describe the movie preview/trailer. It would start out with me in a psychiatrist chair trying to figure out where I went wrong….there’d be flashbacks of my childhood such as getting hit by an Easter Egg in August….or when I fell playing kickball….or middle school….then chronicling the years covered by this here rinky dink website (and my old blogger archives)….

Mulligan - A golf shot not tallied against the score, granted in informal play after a poor shot especially from the tee. (courtesy of dictionary.com)

Sometimes when you act an ass you just have to be ready and willing to deal wiht the consequences….you can’t “act” crazy, you either are or you aren’t and well I guess I was kind of crazy….some shit you can’t fix once it’s broken….

I’m insecure (understatement of the year)….my insecurity is hindering me now to the point of being debilitating though….it’s an unhealthy insecurity (as if any type of insecurity is healthy)….so here I am in the only form of therapy I know that works for me….writing about it….

So yeah, what am I insecure about….well I can’t really get into it right now….thanks to the folks who helped are helping me deal with it though….

At least now I know where to start on “rebuilding” if that’s possible….like I said at the beginning some things can’t be fixed….