So after sobering up and confronting my issues head on, I’m supposed to feel better right?

I’m not supposed to feel worse right?

But I do. My life will never be the same again.

I feel immature and childish, but more than anything like a goddamn fool. That’s the way it goes though I guess.

It started this summer. When exactly, I’m not sure. But I knew that it was more than just liking you as a friend.

Damn, as simple as that I’ve said it. I didn’t try for that to happen. As a matter of fact even as I was starting to feel that way I didn’t want it to be the case. I KNEW from then that you weren’t really “right” for me. But I couldn’t help it. You were I who I thought about.

For months upon end I’ve battled with it, and you KNEW it. You KNEW how I felt about you, so why didn’t you say something????

All this time I’ve been feeling this way, confused. Not knowing what to say or do around you. Trying to push you away because I knew that it just wasn’t meant to be, and you knew it! Why couldn’t you just confront me with it and end the charade earlier?

Instead you LED ME ON. No bullshit about it, I TRIED to show you as best I knew how without making a fool of myself TOO MUCH that I felt the way I did for you.

Shit…you could have said something TONIGHT. But you didn’t say SHIT. Instead you let me look like an ass.

So I’mma put it like this. When I see you again, don’t say shit to me. I KNOW what the deal is. As a matter of fact don’t so much as LOOK at me. I wish you happinesss and success. You “got what you want” right now anyway right?

I wasn’t being real with myself in the first place. But hey, it’s all in the open now. I made a fool of myself and I really can’t blame you, I gotta blame myself.

I can’t have another night like last night again for a while. I spent too much money, I drank too much, and well….I did too much. I can barely move right now.

It’s funny, I still have a lot on my mind. Much of it is the same as before. But I’ve reached a point where I’m kind of content with things. The status quo is okay I suppose for now, even when I sometimes get those feelings that bubble up.

I hate when I zone out and start thinking about something and someone else notices and asks what’s on my mind. One day I’m going to surprise someone and actually TELL them EXACTLY what I’m thinking about and I will trust that people will learn from that person not to ask me that anymore.

It really sucks to be both observant and super-analytical. One or the other is cool. But when you notice EVERYTHING and want to break it down to the nth degree it really starts to drive you crazy. Especially when it’s something beyond your control.

Anyway I’m rambling, and I’m not really going anywhere with it. At least not anywhere I’m ready to take ya’ll. One day I will though, I promise.

That title might sound familiar to some of you. That’s because that’s a line from the hook to a song I’ve been digging lately, “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls (most of my titles come from various lines from songs i dig, FYI….google some of them) Still not familiar? Maybe you’ve seen City Of Angels or even the commercial on TBS. They play it there as well. It’s really catchy. I’ve listened to it 18 times now according to iTunes.

I have my songs arranged in a “5 star” playlist. Most of the songs wouldn’t be 5 star to anyone but me, but hey that’s why it’s my list. It’s set to random, but more often than not if I see a song I want to hear I double click it. It only records it as a “listen” if you let it play all the way through.

The rest of my top five consists of SWV’s “Use Your Heart” (15 plays), Color Me Badd’s “I Adore Mi Amor”, Ja Rule and Ashanti’s “Always On Time”, and 2Pac’s “So Many Tears”. Funny how my music tells so much about me.

About my previous entry, don’t fret folks. Nothing is going to change here. The layout redesign is not an omen. I’m not going to make an entry entitled “The Bridge is Over” announcing my retirement just yet (although if you ever do see that title you have a heads up on what’s happening!). I just wanted to gauge a couple of things. I don’t know how to do this but one way anyway, I’m too old to be changing my spots. Like I said in the entry itself, it’s all going somewhere.

I just have a few questions for you readers….your assistance is greatly appreciated.

1) Do I put too much of my business “out there”?

2) If you were one of the people in one of my entries do you think I should ask your permission before writing about you?

3) What type of entries are more “entertaining” for you to read and why? (examples: yesterday’s news, nostalgia (stuff that happened A LONG time ago as opposed to yesterday), real life issues/news and my opinon on them, sports, ranting, just random stuff, etc)

This is going somewhere, but I want your opinion.

Thanks

I put something I didn’t really think out well….

If you saw it, it was meant to be…if not….it wasn’t meant to be….

Chalk it up to too much alcohol and lowered inhibitions….

I told ya’ll I would be back tonight….not that anyone noticed….

So yeah, I came to a realization just now. When I get into these bad moods, I like to blame the people around me. I don’t know why I do it, but the realization I made is that it’s wrong. I isolate myself from people so I don’t have to deal with it and just hold it in, partly because I’m afraid of how it will come out when I finally do decide to deal with it. I really don’t have anyone to blame but me when it boils down to it.

Damn I should have done all of this introspection in college. Medical school is NOT the place to find yourself.

I need to eat something. I kinda doubt I will if I don’t come up with something in the next 30 minutes though.

If you’ve read the new and very informative “about” section of this website (scroll up and look on the flash design!) then you know that Stevie Wonder is my favorite musician.

One of my favorite songs of his is “Ordinary Pain”. It was playing when I decided to write this entry. As a matter of fact I have placed it on repeat in iTunes. I’m big on lyrics, but I won’t subject you to the whole song here, I’ll link it instead.

For those who have never heard the song, it’s basically a two part song, the first sung by Stevie Wonder himself and the second is a response sung by Shirley Brewer (who hasn’t done anything else to my knowledge).

I had other things to write about, but I got caught up in this song. Maybe I’ll write something else later tonight, since I really like my new design here!

You are looking at the new and improved “Water Under The Bridge”

The design, concept, pictures, installation….shit everything is courtesy of O 2 the J aka O.com aka Vincent Vega our man in Amsterdam….throw some business at him over at www.fmlive.net

It’s dope, don’t you think!

The if you refresh/come back later, the picture on the top reloads….O took all of the pictures just about (except the pictures of Morehouse)….

Now I bet you are wondering, what the hell is that big ass concrete fish on the left side, and why is it there? I’m glad you asked.

The first time this nigga O went to Atlanta I was his tour guide via the phone. So he was like, “Nigga, there is this restuarant or club or something with a big ass FISH in front of it!”. I started cracking the fuck up, and he was like, “Nigga what’s so funny….” so I proceded to tell him the following story for your reading pleasure….

Travel back in time with me to November something or the other 2000. As a senior at Morehouse I used to spend many a Thursday night at a little spot called Bellbottoms. Bellbottoms has since closed, but here is the deal with them. They had this little goldfish bowl (like the kind Arnold on Diff’rent Strokes had his black goldfish Abraham in) where you could put either a business card or this little form they had in and you could win a free party. You could tell people to say your name at the door and not only could they get in for free until 10 PM, they could drink domestic beers and well drinks (the kind that comes in plastic bottles) for free until 9 (of course the doors opened at 8…so it was for an hour).

Anyway, I won a party after months of trying. So I invited EVERYONE I knew to that beezo. I also made sure I got there super early. As soon as they opened the doors I had a drink in my hand. And I drank it rather fast and had another. And I mixed and mingled (I was more social then) and I drank. Pretty soon I was up to 13 drinks.

This is when the details get hazy. I remember sitting at this bar near the dance floor with my head down. I remember spitting some GOOD drunk game at some girl who went to Georgia Tech. I don’t remember going into the bathroom, but I remember the bouncer taking me out cuz I was on the floor and I remember him leaning me against the outside wall of the establishment. I remember my boy Eulus coming outside and helping me walk away before I got arrested (they were good for getting drunks off of that outside wall and putting them in the drunk tank).

Now Bellbottoms was maybe a block or so away from this restuarant called “Atlanta Fish Market”. In front of this restuarant they had some bushes built up and a nice lake with a giant concrete fish jumping out of it! Yes, that is our friend right there above and to the left!

So anyway, right in the nice bushes in front of that guy, I proceded to spew out everything that I had ate or drank in the last week or so. Those bushes were the victim of some of the worse drunkeness in the history of being drunk. Noah himself couldn’t have gotten with me that night!

By the time the homie Larkins pulled up to take me home (or so I thought) I was through dealing. They put me in the back seat, and it turns out they went BACK into the club to party somemore. Turns out the party I had was one of the liver ones in Bellbottoms history (at least according to the people I talked to that asked what happened to me). I wasn’t right for about a week after that incident.

But anyway, that’s why the fish made me laugh. That’s why O put him there!

I hope ya’ll like the new design….cuz it’s not gonna change any more!!…LOL

Ah, another day, another Scarface quotation.

In the ongoing battle to discover what the hell my problem is, today we will delve into my trust issues.

That’s right, I can’t trust anyone. I’ve tried. It just doesn’t work. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely devoid of trust. I know there are some people I can count on for some things, some more than others. But as far as someone I could confide in or feel comfortable knowing how I really feel about certain things there are maybe two people I remotely trust. And even then there is sometimes uncertainty.

It’s funny because I consider myself pretty trustworthy. If something is told to me in confidence I can hold fast to it, no matter how I feel about a person. Maybe it’s because I know how it feels to have your trust violated. At any rate, that’s how it is.

And everytime I let the walls down a little bit, I get more evidence that I should build them up further…..

to be continued…..