So besides the Clinical Vignettes that I’m drilling into my head, I’ve taken on another book.

I read this book in 9th grade for the first time. I used to bring the super thick hardcover book to school each day in my bookbag. People would look at me very strangely with this 1197 page monstrosity on my desk, me oblivious to whatever was being taught in the background (I’d get an A on the test anyway).

Of course this only lasted about 2 weeks, because by then I’d finished Stephen King’s “The Stand”. Yeah, I finished it that fast, it was a page turner for me. I’m on the same pace right now actually.

In short, it’s an epic novel about an “end of the world” scenario, caused by a “superflu” that kills 99.5% of the world’s population, where people break into two groups (good and evil basically) and everything eventually comes to a head.

For one reason or another this book has resonated with me. I think I was inspired to read it because a) it was about to be made into a mini-series, b) I had just gotten into Stephen King books seriously having read one of the Dark Tower books, c) I was beginning my phase of reading those big super novels by Tom Clancy and the ilk, and d) it was all caused by a superflu and even then I was crazy about medically related stuff. After I read it, the characters stayed with me like no other characters in any other book. Stu Redman, Harold Lauder, Trashcan Man, Nadine Cross, and even Randall Flagg “the Walking Dude”.

I’ve always wanted to be the calm and cool of Stu, but somehow I am always the know-it-all brooding hateful Harold. You’d have to read the book to really understand, but in a bunch of ways (particularly one situation this past year) I am really scarily like Harold.

What I discovered was that The Stand was unlike most of King’s other works. It was HIGHLY character driven and relied less on Horror and more on real life drama. I didn’t have this frame of reference when I was reading it back then obviously, but it reads like how a reality show would be written. Like if some situation led to a Survivor like scenario, that’s how it would go down. This is a book originally published in 1978 folks!

Of course the supernatural element is there with Randall Flagg, the dark man, the Walking Dude. I personally wasn’t fearful of him as much as I pitied those who followed him. It took alot of hate in ones heart to be drawn to him.

I think at times in my life when I’m struggling internally with what’s right and wrong, I feel compelled to read this story. In it’s own way it puts things in perspective for me.

Now that I have some medical education, the way that Stephen King described the epidemic being spread is pretty spot-on. If such a deadly strain of the flu were to be unleashed, it’s spread would probably be that way, and the ensuing panic would be pretty similar as well. Imagine the movie Outbreak (the one with Dustin Hoffman, Cuba Gooding, Kevin Spacey, Morgan Freeman, and Rene Russo…oh and the monkey) without the happy ending. It’s still an amazing novel.

Elsewhere in the Killa’s goings ons…..

I discovered this link http://www.karolzyk.com/pee/castin.mov yesterday and it’s STILL funny to me. I had to send an e-mail to a few people, and I don’t normally do that. That’s how funny it was to me. I hope it makes someone else laugh as hard as it made me laugh.

I was inspired by Jackson’s latest entry (the one about the Inner-city Alternative School). I remembered that my dad used to work as a social worker at a school like that when I was growing up. Tomorrow I’m going to write about that.

Time to read some medical stuff now.

Is being random something you can really be good at?

What does it say about me, that I’m at my best when speaking in non-sequitors and fragmented thoughts in a completely non-sensical form? Wait….what’s that you say? That’s what I do anyway? Oh.

It sucks that there were only 6 episodes of the Ali G show. It sucks even more that more people didn’t watch it.

It’s really gonna suck in 2 weeks when Six Feet Under and Entourage are both done for the season.

No Sopranos, no Six Feet Under, no Entourage, no Ali G, no Curb Your Enthusiasm….what the hell am I going to watch? The Wire and Def Poetry???….pffft

Oh wait….football season starts!

I need one more person for my fantasy league, anyone interested?

I really, really, really, really want Kool Keith’s “The Personal Album”.

I need like $1000 from a benefactor. I’ll be forever indebted to you!

Black Sheep’s “This or That” STILL gets the club jumping.

One sure fire way to not holla at someone is to never ever see them.

It makes things so much easier if you just tell someone you don’t like that you don’t like them.

Saw three movies on Thursday….Collateral was really good, Open Water was okay (even though some dicksnot ruined the ending for me….it was actually BETTER for me because of said dicksnot), and Alien Versus Predator was better than I expected. Not a bad 3 for 1 at all.

I had an allergic reaction to another house (just like the one I have in Atlanta to my mom’s crib). My eyes are still a little irritated.

I still suck at Madden. Not as much as in years past, but enough.

I thought about drinking a glass of scotch at about 11 AM.

That wouldn’t be the earliest drink I’ve ever had, by a long shot.

Whoever I was talking to about those Mickey D’s chicken selects commercials, you are right, they are terrible.

The Georgia Bulldogs will win the NCAA Football Championship this season.

I wish I could rewind to about 6 months back and not do/say some of the things I did/said.

I gotta learn to live with regrets.

Blogging isn’t dead, but it’s on life support.

There are a bunch of nice looking young ladies that started Meharry this year. Would it be a minor miracle if I pulled one?

Sept. 6th is almost here again (remember the old photo gallery?).

I bet you want that gallery back? It’s dead and gone forever. I lost the pictures when my computer got infected by a virus/trojan.

The VMA’s sucked….badly….was Dave Chappelle supposed to host?….if he was, good move in not hosting!

What the hell was Al Sharpton thinking about? I hate him so much right now. For about 30 minutes I wanted to renounce my Blackness!

Alicia Keys was looking absolutely stunning last night. The only one even close to her was Christina Milian.

Beyonce looked like Tina Turner in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. She needs to stop letting her moms design her outfits.

The performance with Stevie, Alicia, and Lenny was the best of the night.

Hoobastank pretty much ended their career with that terrible performance….it was that awful.

I’m scared of the future….both mine and the rest of humanity.

To those who I’ve hurt/offended in the past year,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I haven’t been myself (or have been myself). I’m sorry that I’ve seen you and not spoken to you (even if I did it under my breath because I was shy or whatever the case was). I’m sorry that I went off on you (even if I felt you deserved it for whatever reason). I’m sorry that I didn’t live up to your expectations of me (even if those expectations may not have been reasonable for me).

I’m sorry that I’m moody and have ups and downs and I wish I wasn’t this way. I wish I didn’t get so depressed all of the time. I wish I had as much confidence in myself that other people have in me. I’m working on it, I promise.

I’ve talked to someone about it. I’ve opened up like never before. I’m trying to be a better person.

I’ve lost some friends/acquaintences forever, I can’t hope to ever be cool with them again, I’ll look fondly on whatever good times we had. I’ve made it impossible for some people to ever get to know me, you aren’t really missing much.

I can’t help who I am. I can’t help being paranoid and having a short fuse and being surly and not speaking all the time and being cruel to those who I feel have betrayed me. It’s nothing personal, believe me, I just don’t express myself nearly as well in my “offline” interactions as I do here (and I don’t really do all that good a job here to be honest). I’m a nice guy gone bad. I’m bitter from years of mental abuse at the hands of my peers and I’m suffering from mental burnout, and to those who I’ve made victim of my misplaced aggression and wrath, I’m sorry.

I don’t wanna beef anymore. In most cases it was one-sided anyway. I’m tired.

Sincerely,

Calvin

I WISH it were the ability to go back in time via a Delorean equipped with a Flux Capacitor and a Mr. Fusion, or even with the benefit of lightning or plutonium for the 1.21 Gigawatts (with a soft g!). But alas, I’m stuck here in 2004 *sigh*.

What I do have in common with Mr. McFly is a short fuse.

*if you haven’t seen the Back to the Future movies (shame on you!!!), I am going to tell a key point of the trilogy/the ending so this is your spoiler warning*

So yeah, remember how Marty couldn’t stand to be called a chicken? And it turns out that his fate in Part 2 was directly related to that. Well the same thing is going to happen to me.

From growing up with Nina, to the present on the various message boards I’m a part of, I’m easily goaded into arguments. All it takes is one little thing and I go full throttle. I know it’s destructive behavior, but it’s like I can’t help myself. When someone makes me angry/challenges me, I have to “give it to them”.

It’s by far my biggest flaw (and I’m telling the world, so all of you that secretly, or not so secretly, hate me feel free to exploit it). Even if I end up looking like a fool in the process, I just have to give people a piece of my mind when they cross me. When people don’t believe I can do something, I just have to show them I can do it, even if I end up like Marty McFly and smash a Rolls Royce in the process.

I need to learn from Marty’s mistakes!!!

The homie Panama Jackson aka Jackson G. Tickle aka Killa Weezy just posed one of those tough questions to me. The kind of question that makes me say to myself, “Self you need to blog about that.”

We were having a conversation about music and albums and then he pops up with the following.

Panameezy: if you had a favorite all time album…any genre…what would it be?

I responded with my usual answer, Stevie Wonder’s - Songs In The Key Of Life. But then I started thinking about it. We were just talking about what makes a good album and mentioned the fact that there are only so many albums we could listen to from start to finish. And to be perfectly honest, I can’t always listen to Songs In The Key from start to finish. *gasp* Yeah that’s right! Sometimes I skip Ebony Eyes and a few other songs.

So I thought even further, what are some albums I can listen to from start to finish?

That list is very short folks (at least for the amount of music I listen to). But I challenge you this, you name an album you think should be on my list, and I’ll tell you the song I skip and why I skip it. Mind you, in each case, this isn’t necessarily a list of my favorite albums from each artist in question, just albums that don’t have any songs I skip.

2Pac - Me Against the World
Raekwon - Only Built For Cuban Links
Erykah Badu - Mama’s Gun
Jay Z - Blueprint
Wu-Tang Clan - Enter the 36 Chambers
Dr. Dre - The Chronic
De La Soul - De La Soul Is Dead (even though I don’t own it)
Jodeci - Forever My Lady
Quincy Jones - Back on the Block
The Beatles - Abbey Road
Michael Jackson - Thriller and Dangerous
Nas - Illmatic
The Genius/GZA - Liquid Swords
Outkast - ATLiens, Aquemini, and The Love Below
A Tribe Called Quest - The Low End Theory and Midnight Marauders
Stevie Wonder - Hotter Than July (and I LOVE his albums, but there is usually at least one song on each album I just can’t listen to!)
Prince - Purple Rain
Goodie Mob - Soul Food
Maxwell - Urban Hang Suite (before he got super pretentious!)
Love Jones Soundtrack (the only soundtrack on my list)
Nirvana - Nevermind
Miles Davis - Kind of Blue
John Coletrane - A Love Supreme
Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP

And ummm….I think that’s about it. So I guess I stand by my answer I gave Panama, but it’s interesting still.

Elsewhere on the web, I am in a crusade against Chickenheads. I’m spearheading a group called People With Sense Against Chickenheads Breeding (PWSACB). Join the cause and help prevent the future birth of kids named after popular music stars, brands of liquor, and cars!

Also, not enough of you are up on Homestar Runner and Strong Bad and the rest of the gang. I could spend all day on that site alone! Go now! Learn the catch phrases! Cry about Li’l Brudder (he can make it on his own!!!). *grabs a tissue, wipes eyes*

Okay, I’m back! Anyway, pose your challenges to me and watch me best them! And join the crusade against chickenheads on the web! And go see Strong Bad ridicule e-mails!

I’m listening to Prince Rogers Nelson sing about the Signs ‘o’ the Times. It was written over 15 years ago, but it’s still relevant. People are still dying of AIDS (though not at the same rate here in America as in Africa or when that song was written). People are still doing drugs.

Now a more relevant song to my particular situation is playing. Same artist, “Let’s Go Crazy”.

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
2 get through this thing called life
Electric word life
It means forever and that’s a mighty long time
But I’m here 2 tell u
There’s something else
The afterworld
A world of never ending happiness
U can always see the sun, day or night
So when u call up that shrink in Beverly Hills
U know the one - Dr Everything’ll Be Alright
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby
‘Cuz in this life
Things are much harder than in the afterworld
In this life
You’re on your own
And if the elevator tries 2 bring u down
Go crazy - punch a higher floor

Dr. Everything’ll be alright
Will make everything go wrong
Pills and thrills and dafodills will kill
Hang tough children
He’s coming
He’s coming
Coming
Take me away!

Yeah I’ve been going through it the past week or so. Growing pains? Insecurity? Who knows really! I can say that as much of a vacuum as I felt like earlier this week, I feel full now. Full of what? Again, who knows. But somehow, someway I’m finding my way through this forest that I’ve created with my actions. I can see some daylight ahead, I think.

emp·ty ( P ) Pronunciation Key (mpt)
adj. emp·ti·er, emp·ti·est

Holding or containing nothing.
Mathematics. Having no elements or members; null: an empty set.
Having no occupants or inhabitants; vacant: an empty chair; empty desert.
Lacking force or power: an empty threat.
Lacking purpose or substance; meaningless: an empty life.
Not put to use; idle: empty hours.
Needing nourishment; hungry: “More fierce and more inexorable far/Than empty tigers or the roaring sea” (Shakespeare).
Devoid; destitute: empty of pity.

I’ve been told that I’ve changed and am acting out of character. I’ve had my already damaged sense of trust damaged beyond repair. I’ll never trust another person as long as I live, that’s real. And I thought the earlier betrayals of trust this year were bad, they were just getting me ready for the most recent.

Nas and AZ just started singing “Life’s A Bitch” on my computer. Yep.

I really appreciate the well wishes and everything like that.

If I haven’t gone into as much detail as you’d like with you, I hate to break it to you but I won’t. It’s nothing personal, but I’ve already said too much as it is.

I realize some of you REALLY want to help me, but understand that sometimes your HELP is doing more harm, let me ask for it okay?

If this doesn’t apply to you don’t sweat it.

It’s funny that my last entry was so full of hate….

You know this morning when I woke up I didn’t see this moment coming…I didn’t know that today would be the day I finally manned up and made the decision I was sitting on for so long.

It’s funny about you collective. And I don’t mean to laugh AT you so much as just laugh about the situation. Many of you believe so much in me. I mean you believe WAY more in me than I ever believed (or ever will) in myself. And I never really know whether to thank you or tell you to save it.

Well folks, the show is over. I’m moving on to to something else. What exactly that is, I don’t know. But I’m no longer content with where i am right now. I know I hurt my mom when I told her, and I’m probably going to hurt some other people when they find out, but that’s the way it has to be.

I can’t live for what ya’ll want. I gotta find what’s gonna make ME happy. I gotta make ME happy first before I can please you all or live up to your expectations.

Some of ya’ll will feel me, and some of you won’t. But this phase of my life is over. Chalk it up as a failure. Whether I really tried is up for debate. But hey, you people arguing about whether I lived up to my potential are part of the very reason I made this decision.

GODDAMNIT!!

It would seem like after you and a muthafucka get done cussing each other out you would delete their phone numbers and such from your phone (I know I did) so shit like this doesn’t happen!

There is no need to “accidentally call” someone then call them back asking them other shit after they hung up on you and then saying “by the way I wasn’t trying to prank phone call you or whatever”. I don’t know what else was said because I hung up again. But goddamn that shit ruined my night!!

Fuck shit goddamnit to hell!