What time of the year is it you ask? It’s time to pick some female randomly and eliminate her from my life. What’s that? You don’t understand what I’m getting at?

I submit for your approval the recent track record of Killa Cal’s Valentine’s selections.

Recall that awhile back, a less sane version of The Killa (Killa3.11.1) conducted a survey of the various women who read this joint in hopes of getting a Valentine for this cockamamy, industry driven “holiday”. I considered carefully and chose someone who I thought was suitable. Less than 4 months later, we fell out due to “creative differences”.

Last year, I kinda sorta had a Valentine or sorts (I’m not linking any of this stuff, if you are that nosey/so inclined you can sift through my archives and piece shit together). Fast forward to now, she’s no longer talking to me either.

I have a friend and she probably doesn’t recall, but I spent a portion of last year’s Valentine’s Day with her. She cooked and such. We also had a falling out.

Even going back to high school and such, the girls I spent V-Day with/on are no longer in my life. None of them. Our vapid relationships went the way of all of the balloons that I bought. All of the air went out!

So I’m wondering who it will be this year. I mean I could just avoid women in general for Valentine’s Day and the surrounding days, but how practical is that? So this is the advanced warning, if you are a female and I spend Valentine’s Day with you, we WILL fall out. I don’t want it to be this way, that’s just how time has shown it to work. If you care to have me in your life, avoid me.

Pieces of a Man

Jagged jigsaw pieces
Tossed about the room.
I saw my grandma sweeping
With her old straw broom.
She didn’t know what she was doing
She could hardly understand
That she was really sweeping up
Pieces of a man.

I saw my Daddy meet the Mailman
And I heard the Mailman say
“Now don’t you take this letter too hard now, Jimmy, coz they’ve laid off nine others today.”
But he didn’t know what he was saying
He could hardly understand
That he was only talking to Pieces of a Man

I saw the thunder and heard the lightening
And felt the burden of his hand
And for some unknown reason
He never turned my way

Pieces of that letter
Were tossed around the room
And now I hear the sound of sirens
Come knifing through the gloom
But they don’t know what they are doing
They could hardly understand
That they’re only arresting
Pieces of a Man.

I saw him go to pieces
I saw him go to pieces
He was always such a good man
He was always such a strong, strong man
Ya I saw him go to pieces
I saw him go to pieces

- Gil Scott-Heron (from “Pieces of a Man” 1971)

…to be random

- my top 5 reads at the moment (and no offense to someone left off, but these people are just on point lately….can’t wait for their updates!)…yes I will be jocking them at levels not seen since Ahmad Rashad on Inside Stuff during Michael Jordan’s playing days…I am serious about my plugs though!

5) Hustleman - I am so glad he decided to start blogging way back when….his stories are just too funny man…..plus he usually throws in a Martin reference every now and again and that alone makes him great! (more on Martin later on!)

4) Carmen - Okay so she isn’t really updating much, but you GOTTA see how National Slap a Cracka Day was celebrated over there. She is SO militant. She’s like a young, new millineum Angela Davis.

3) The Brutha Code - I admit I slept on his shit for a while, but he is FUNNY as the fuck. Not only that, he takes the time to go and respond to ALL of his comments, and there’s something to be said about that in and of itself. A lazy nigga like me has tried that on occassion, and I just can’t do it. Plus he gets like 20 times more comments than me.

2) Raj - Maybe it’s because his writing is right up there with the Sports Guy and Joe From Dallas as one of my top influences, but his shit always seems to make me laugh and read well. He has a way of telling stories. Just take my word and check him out!

1) Panama - He’s officially the king ya’ll….I’m not being facietious in any way, form, or fashion…he says what I want to say in a way so completely clear and coherent, yet funny….I’m not just saying that because he’s my boy, or anything like that….his shit is just that good….*hops off his nuts*

- Speaking of Martin, Fox and HBO (which produced his show) need to get the fuck off their asses and put his show on DVD! It’s bad enough that USA and the local UPN affiliate were showing it at 4 AM. Now they’ve stopped altogether!!! I hear he’s on TVOne and that’s great for you people who live in “Black” cities or have DirectTV, but I live in Nashville and have Comcast. They will add TVOne when they get rid of BET. A DVD set is the only way I’ll be able to see Martin! I demand this DVD set like TOMORROW! I probably want this one more than A Different World, only because Oxygen shows 4 episodes of A Different World every day (they even shifted the line up so it’s no longer pre-empted by their stupid daytime, step above Lifetime movies).

- So my playlist got jacked up a few weeks ago, and I’m having to go through and reassign my 5 star rankings and thus I get caught up listening to some bullshit every now and again. Right now I’m listening to MC Hammer’s “They Put Me In The Mix”….actually, fuck what you may say, this song ain’t no bullshit!…but I bring that up to ask, whatever happened to B Angie B? Or Too Big MC? I bet they thought they were gonna make it big when Hammer put them on…..WRONG!

- The Sports Guy is having a contest to be his new intern….I wish a) I’d discovered him 5 years ago and b) I wasn’t in so much debt from Med School loans, because I’d do this in a heartbeat. Med school has me by the balls man. It’s really fucking depressing, given how poorly I’m doing.

- People always talk about the weekend after the Super Bowl being the worst ever for sports fans, but now that I’m a Nascar watcher this couldn’t be further from the truth. In all actuality, THIS weekend is the worst weekend for a sports fan. Whoever decided it was a good idea to occassionally have the week off between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl is an idiot, plain and simple. What the hell am I supposed to watch while I drink my beer, because I am GOING to drink my beer?!!!?! I have to hear for another whole week about whether T.O. should or shouldn’t play on his hurt ankle. Just get the shit on with!

- About the actual game, I’m really torn. I’d like to see the Eagles win. I just don’t see anyone beating the Patriots. I refuse to pick against Tom Brady until he loses a playoff game. Right now I’m saying Patriots in a close game, 27-24 or something like that.

- Someone asked me if I was going to see Hide and Seek this weekend. For some reason (maybe because I’m slightly irrational and a touch insane) this pissed me off. I think I’m a movie snob. This movie looks like one of those types of movies where they tell you EVERYTHING, except who Charlie is, in the trailer for the movie. One of those movies where they bank on people going to see it because Robert De Niro is in it and then it turns out to be TERRIBLE. I can’t understand how people can’t see the “I’m getting paid for this right” look in his eyes in the trailer! He’s going to mail this one in. Just because an A list actor is in a movie doesn’t mean it’s going to be good!!! Now I’m not saying that women get suckered into/sucker men into going to see these kinds of movies. I’m just not going to say that!! But if that’s what you infer from what I wrote, then that’s on you….if I can catch this movie in a 2 for 1 or something I might sit through it, but I’ll wait for the HBO release more than likely, I’m not going to spend my money on that…not when I haven’t seen Sideways or the Aviator yet. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with seeing the occasional bullshit movie. I have a few guilty pleasures, but I’m not going to pay to see this or make it my SOLE reason to go to the theater…..also here’s a bit of free advice from an experienced moviegoer….don’t go see a movie that’s not getting positive buzz (Oscar or otherwise) that’s released in late January/early February unless you just NEED to waste your money get out of the house and see a movie….there is a reason that movie is coming out then…do movies like Kangaroo Jack and National Security ring a bell?? These are movies that have been shelved for whatever reason and are only be released to keep the studio for losing money….

- sorry about that rant….I was temporarily possessed by the ghost of Gene Siskel….

- what’s up with the weekend Killa? Good question, Inner Monologue!! I’m going to do what my drinks tell me to do this weekend. Well not just yet. Just yet, I’m going to babysit my Godson PJ this afternoon, then after that it’s the return of Drunken Bad Behavior Cal.

One of my favorite A Different World episodes just went off….which one? It’s on this list…..in no particular order….my top ten most surprising TV events….(disclaimer….as always this is MY list, I mean I can’t stop you from posting those “why didn’t you include this or that” type of comments, but more than likely I either a)didn’t really care about the show you posted or more importantly 2)forgot it, so ultimately it ain’t in my top ten….bite me….oh and the links go to tvtome.com which is known for having a few pop ups….but hell, you really need that google pop-up blocker anyway)

10) Beverly Hills, 90210, Dylan’s new wife is killed by hitmen trying to kill him - Okay I have to admit, I watched the hell out of 90210. And when the tortured Dylan finally got him a decent girl (Toni Marchette played by Rebecca Gayheart, The Noxeema girl!!!…man she was so dope at the time) I was happy for him. A dude deserves a good woman after dealing with Brenda. But no, the mafia, or whoever they were had to ruin it for him, and I thought, SHO NUFF Dylan is dead. But nope, they killed the Noxeema girl instead! Man I was upset!…and surprised!

9) Good Times, James dies (2 part episode) - See, I didn’t have the good fortune of watching Good Times in first run, I had to watch it in syndication like every other child of the 80’s. Still by the time I saw that episode, I had somehow avoided most references to that episode. So imagine my surprise when I’m watching what I think will be the final episode, they are getting their asses up out of the hood and then BAM, James dies. Not only that, Florida tries to be strong, and then ends up dropping the punch bowl and uttering what arguably might be the most famous line in Black TV history, “Damn, Damn, Damn JAMES!!!!”….I was hurt and confused, yet amused at the same time….and surprised!!
The Sopranos, a gay mobster?!?! - So I’m watching the Sopranos, and I know that it’s par for the course for a character to get his head blown off. What you don’t expect to see is a character blowing off a head, without a gun. So when Finn pulls up to work early and catches Vito Spatafore slobbing on some rent-a-cop’s knob, I jumped more than I did at any of the wackings on there. I didn’t expect Ralphie’s death, but the writing was on the wall. This was completely unexpected. I was bewildered….and surprised!!!

7) A Different World, Ron and Freddie?!?!! - Times of disaster can bring about strange things. So when a hurricane hits Hillman you already know that something wild may happen. But I expected Ron and Freddie to kill each other before what actually happened. I mean they hated each other right? Ron was everything Freddie dispised in dudes and Ron….well Ron didn’t hold Freddie in as high regard as he did the other skeezers on campus. Then all of a sudden they are making out!! With the power off? For who knows how long?!?! I was shocked….and surprised!!!!

6) The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Will and Lisa DON’T get married - Man ya’ll I really liked Lisa (and now I know that Shan liked her too!…hahaha!). She was perfect for Will in my opinon. I mean, she was Nia Long for Pete’s sake!!! She had good chemistry with Will. She knew how to deal with his sarcasm and everything. Who cares if her name was really Beulah. He never had to call her that! But still, them not getting married wasn’t the biggest surprise. Nope, they topped that when Lisa’s dad ended up marrying WILL’s MOM?? After calling her a battle-ax (one of my favorite terms for an angry woman, by the way!). I was disappointed….and surprised!!!!!

5) The Cosby Show, Denise comes back from Africa with a surprise - They couldn’t write the Cosby Show in today’s climate. It was just too nice a show, and if they had a teaser like the above and Cosby was still in first run, everyone would assume that surprise was either a baby or AIDS (yes, that’s skanless I know….but those are the times we live in). Anyway, we all knew Denise was flaky as hell, but when she came back with not only a husband, but a daughter!?!! I wasn’t old enough to realize that Rudy was losing some cuteness so they had to bring Olivia on board. Stuff like that didn’t register with me until I became older and more cynical. But at the time I was amazed….and surprised!!!!!!

4) The Wire, DJ Stringer get’s his comeuppance - As an aside, that Limey Stringer Bell will always be DJ Stringer to me, since he decided to DJ at Visions in Atlanta under his character name….you ladies may think he’s fine…I think he’s lame!! Anyway, I liked his character. He was unscrupulous, I mean he was sleeping with his dead homie’s girl! But ultimately he was trying to escape the game. He probably would have been an EVEN MORE corrupt business man, but at least he’d no longer be selling drugs. But his past caught up with him. Brother Mouzone and Omar did to him what he had failed to do to them. They caught him slipping. Then BLAM!!! POP!! POP!! I was disheartened….and surprised!!!!!!!

3) Living Single, Max sleeps with Kyle - You know that shirt that says, “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor” well in Max and Kyle’s case, they left out a step between three tequila and floor….I thnk you know whatI’mtalkinbout!!! Max got suspended and no one wants to drink with her, except Kyle. It’s always the one you hate the most, I’m telling you! There is so much passion!! That’s why all of my female enemies are somewhat attractive…you never know man! So then when the camera pans up slowly to show the aftermath I was speechless…and surprised!!!!!!!!

2) Six Feet Under, David’s joy ride - Six Feet Under is one of those shows where they will just switch it up on you out of nowhere. Just when you think the show is going to focus on one thing they throw you for a loop. You kind of get used to the surprises, but this one here, man I wasn’t ready for it. Okay we learn that David is stupid enough to pick up a hitchhiker, but the things that he puts David through. Man that was hard to watch. Making him smoke crack!?! Making him take a dump in an alley!!! Dousing him with gasoline, and then….not killing him??? I was disgusted…and surprised!!!!!!!!!

1) A Different World, Whitley and Dwayne finally tie the knot! - If you didn’t see this one coming, you really don’t know me at all. That season was full of surprises actually. Dwayne and Whitley’s breakup, them sleeping together, Ki actually entertaining the thought of getting with Ron. I knew that Dwayne wasn’t gonna let The Brother From Another Pla….I mean Senator Byron Douglas marry his woman! But it sure looked like it for a second. I loved everything about that episode though, especially the way it went down. I was happy, satisfied…..and SURPRISED!!!!!!!!!!

For the record, the title is referencing the Bone Thugs-N-Harmony song from the Set It Off soundtrack and not the craptastic daytime soap that a few people I know (*coughbabyjdreaadriennecough*) watch.

I remember when people used to STRESS THE FUCK OUT trying to interpret what Bone was saying on their songs. Now that I look back on it, it’s not so hard, but back then it was SO fast to us. They really changed the game, and don’t get too many props.

I’m listening to the above mentioned song right now. I had to dig through one of my CD books to find it, there were some decent joints on that soundtrack. There was a period, beginning with the New Jack City soundtrack and probably ending with the Nutty Proffessor 2 soundtrack where the OFFICIAL best songs were all on soundtracks. There were soundtracks that came out during that time where you just didn’t skip a song. Even if it was some no name group. Songs like “Sex Is On My Mind” by Blulight for example. I mean has Blulight done anything else? Am I wrong? AM I WRONG?? (sorry, that was a Walter Sobchek moment)

Anyway, soundtracks like The Show, Bad Boys, and Sunset Park. If you look through the CD case of most of my contemporaries (High School graduating classes 1995-1999) I’m sure they will have TONS of movie soundtracks. It’s kind of like what it must have been like to be White (or grow up around White folks) in the 80’s. Then you’d have soundtracks to various John Hughes and Michael J. Fox movies.

Nowadays soundtracks are full of old, already released songs. It’s like, you might as well buy that Time-Life Body and Soul collection as opposed to buying the soundtrack for some of these movies. There are a few exceptions of course. The Brown Sugar soundtrack had some good joints, as did the Best Man. But for the most part if you have a decent CD collection, you probably have most of the tracks on the latter day soundtracks. PLUS, the original songs on soundtracks are no longer the same calibre as the songs on those older soundtracks. They are like worse than the filler songs on the artists albums. Like throwaway tracks! Artists today have gotten lazy, and then they wonder why we’d rather burn than buy!

Thanks ya’ll for baring with me as I let some shit off of my chest.

If you’ll notice over in the links under Partners in Crime, I added links to Shan and Lindsay. Check them out, they are just getting started in the wild, wonderful world of blogging.

Last night I was chatting with the homie A (a family member of a friend *had to edit because I was giving away too many details*). Since Che is hardly ever online anymore I decided tht A will be the online version of Che.

Anyway, somehow the topic drifted to a long lost friend of ours. Now I realize that there are nosey mufuckas who ordinarily I wouldn’t make privy to this information, but we are in dire straights here, so I don’t care if the Meharry Rumor mill gets ahold of this one.

It’s been over 6 months (Fourth of July) since the last time you really kicked it with us Lost Buddy! I can understand initially withdrawing from us. Hell, I’m going through that now. I know that everyone deals with adversity in different ways. But to completely cut your friends off??? To not return phone calls to people who have kicked it with you since day 1???

Fuck all that even, to cut off YOUR ACE BOON COON? Now maybe there is something going on behind the scenes that only you and that person know about, but damn homie, it really seems like they are (or were) reaching out to you.

If you’re thinking “well I’m too far gone, they won’t accept me back”, I am here to tell you that’s FALSE. If I can be accepted back into the fold after some of the shit I’ve pulled, you KNOW you can come back and things will be like day one.

Your name ALWAYS comes up. We miss you. When we saw you out that one time we were all so excited, even if you didn’t see us and didn’t return our calls that night as we tried to make contact.

Anyway, this is like a last resort. My way of sending out an S.O.S.. You can only reach out so many times, but if/when you want to come back know that there is a place for you with us!

Before I begin two things.

First of all, I don’t want to hear anything about the Falcons losing, I saw the game. I know what happened. Let’s not ever discuss it? Okay, cool.

Second of all, I kind of feel terrible and selfish now, I’ve dragged up all of these old feelings to try and deal with them myself, and I didn’t stop to think that my little sister reads this and I’d inevitably cause her to have to deal with this shit all over again. I’m sorry Che. At the same time, she wrote an interesting take on how she’s dealing with things. As you can probably imagine, that year took it’s toll on all of us, but at the same time we wouldn’t have been able to make it without each other’s support (like when Nina and Che came and visited me).

Okay, so the last thing death that we had to endure, was in many ways the toughest for me.

I came home for the Fourth of July weekend and planned to travel with my mother to wherever our family reunion was that summer to represent my Grandparents and what not because they could no longer travel the way that they used to.

So I was packing and stuff when my mom knocked on my door (ironically, that was one of the last times I stayed in my old room, but that’s neither here nor there). She told me that Granddad was very sick so she’d be going to Mississippi instead, and asked me if I wanted to stay in Atlanta. I told her no, I’d rather go with her. The only thing we knew was that he was extremely jaundiced.

So we traveled and ended up meeting my grandmother directly at the hospital. She told us, (and I’ll never forget her wording) “It’s the worst possible news, he’s got cancer.”

The c-word is that word you NEVER want to hear. Over time I’ve pieced together that he probably had Pancreatic cancer that had metastasized to his liver.

At any rate we went to see him and I remember two things the most. He was so thin, for most of my life my Grandfather was a big dude. He was larger than life. He ALWAYS had on a shirt and tie. The only thing I ever saw him in besides a shirt and tie was some pajamas.

He was a politician in his town in Mississippi and he was also THE black dentist for a long time. He had suffered a stroke awhile before he got sick this particular time, but he still wanted to practice. I think it made him sad to be unable to do what he’d done for so long.

At any rate, the other thing I remember, and I HATE that I remember this, but I remember the smell. Liver failure is no fun to be around. It’s not a smell like anything you’ll ever smell at any other time. It’s kind of a strong stale smell.

At any rate, we spent most of that weekend with him in his hospital room. We talked, and I’m glad I got a chance to do that. He told me how proud he was of me. He was a Morehouse alum and he had also graduated from Meharry, and I think it made him very happy that I’d chosen both of those schools for my training.

When it came time to leave I hated having to go, because I KNEW it would probably be the last time I saw him alive.

I came back to Nashville and I was plain awful to be around. I wasn’t a nice guy to my students for the rest of that summer. Sometimes I see a few of them around and I am almost ashamed to look at them. I had another student that summer who was in the process of losing her father to the same exact thing and I really felt badly for her, though I could never really express it.

School started, and I guess I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And right around the middle of August, it did. I got the phone call from home. I talked to everyone there. I heard my aunt cry for the first time in my life.

I had to fly to Meridian (and Delta Airlines straight up ROBBED me with their insane airfares….not that I’m still bitter about it or anything). I had a connection in Atlanta and it just so happened to be with my grandmother’s sister who lives in Ohio.

We got there and of course it was the day of the wake. I had to physically leave before things started. My older cousin Bryan and my younger cousins Jevone and Spencer walked with me to a little store around the corner while I got myself together.

For some reason I had brought my camera with me, and if you recall on the old format of this website, I had pictures from that trip.

But yeah, I pulled it together and the funeral was really nice. My mom spoke and she did SUCH a beautiful job. They even had her on the front page of the paper and all down there.

Later on they ended up naming the street my grandmother lives on after my grandfather. I wish I had been able to go to the naming ceremony, although the reporter got ALL of my cousins names wrong so I’m sure I would have been misnamed.

Anyway, this was the last of the deaths. I wrote about when the house caught on fire during the holiday season. That was the toughest 16 months ever. I came out a different person. I don’t know whether I’m better or worse, but I’m different fa sho.

For those who endured this journey with me, thank you. I’m sorry if I brought anyone down. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it’d be. It feels good to get my feelings out in the open on these events actually. I wish I’d had the strength to tackle these things as they happened.

So when I left you all I was in February…the day it snowed….(as an aside, the forecast here WAS calling for snow tomorrow, but I think Nashville is going to miss out on the snowstorm of 2005!…damnit)….

I used to love snow ya’ll….actually I’m starting to grow fond of it again…I’ve been far enough removed from it….

Anyway it snowed on this day….things were coming around…I went to class and such (all of them)….I got home and my sister Che was calling me….I was happy to hear her voice….then she started to talk….excuse me if it isn’t verbatim, but this is what my mind chooses to remember….

“calvin are you sitting down?….I hate to be the one to call and tell you this….Aunt Lynne has passed away…”….

I think I dropped the phone for a second….then I picked it back up, and asked Che if she was joking….of course I knew she wasn’t, she wouldn’t joke about something like that….we spoke for a bit longer before I hung the phone up and cried a bit….

Aunt Lynne was my favorite aunt (no offense to my other aunts…but it’s the truth)….she used to always call me “favorite nephew”….the things about her I will ALWAYS remember the most was her love of music (especially Prince) and reading….she had a bookshelf FULL of the latest novels and she was really the one who got me into reading as a pasttime….

She always told me how handsome I was, and how if she was my age she would want a boyfriend like me. She did alot for my self esteem, which needed/and still does need some assistance….

So when I got this news I didn’t know how well I’d hold up….I immediately called Crystal and Toney and told them…and they dropped whatever they were doing and we went to Chili’s or something….I drank alot that day, but I didn’t throw up and I really don’t recall being drunk….I was just kind of numb….

I rode down with a classmate this time who happened to be going home….

When I got to town, of course we had the wake…it was awful man…Aunt Lynne has one daughter, and I hated having to watch her go through that….let alone all of the stuff I was going through internally….

We couldn’t tell my dad, and he was unable to attend the funeral because he was still bedridden…I hated not telling him…he didn’t know for a long time afterward as a matter of fact….I hated that we had to lie to him…or at least keep the truth from him….

I tried going to the movies with a friend to see Monster’s Ball…that didn’t help any, I couldn’t think of anything other than family matters….

I went to eat with some friends….that didn’t help either….

I went back to Nashville and I didn’t leave my house for awhile…I was all fucked up….and I remained so for the rest of that school year….

I failed two classes and barely made it out of the other one….

I started the summer hoping that things could end up better, or I could at least start over….I was working with the summer program that I attended as an undergraduate…it reminded me of old times….I had fun for awhile….

I was even going to attend my mom’s side of the family’s reunion….and then I took another hit….tomorrow….continuation….

I knew when I started this entry that I was going to sit and stare at a blank window for a while. I don’t know a particular way to approach this, and i can’t remember what bits and pieces I’ve given you all in the past so I’ll just get it out in one big burst.

I know i’ve expressed my guilty (many of you said unnecessarily…thanks for letting me off the hook) for not recognizing the symptoms my dad was showing on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Christmas Eve was such a good fucking day for us….in many ways it was the last good day we’ve all had. Something inside of me didn’t want dad to leave when he did.

When he didn’t come over on Christmas Day and we went to his house, I just assumed he was sad about Grandma….we all were a little. It was the first Christmas Season without her. Every year we were in town we spent time over her house. My Aunt Lynne called while we were over. That made my dad sadder.

We went on with our day and I was looking forward to waking up early and listening to Dad as he made his return to the Atlanta airwaves. I was too lazy to wake up though.

By the time Friday rolled around, my mom knew something was wrong because my dad didn’t show up for his show.

On New Years Eve I went out with my boys Eulus and Danny. We went clubbing and for some reason I didn’t bring a warm enough jacket or I wore a short sleeved shirt or something. It got super cold and I KNEW I was going to come down with something. OH well though, it was New Years!! Time to kick it!

I woke up New Years Day at Eulus’s house and watched football and stuff and argued with his little brother and everything like that.

After awhile I got a phone call from my mom saying that something was wrong with my dad and she was on the way to get me RIGHT THEN. I thought to myself, that’s strange. I got my stuff together. I asked Eulus’s brother if I could use his phone charger to charge my phone for a second because I was almost out of battery power and he responded negatively. I think I yelled something about my dad being sick, and how he was being really selfish or something like that. I was mad at David for awhile after that, perhaps a bit unfairly.

When my mom got there we got into the car and I could tell she’d been crying or upset at least. We headed towards our house on 285 and right when we got on the on ramp for 166 she told me that they were rushing Dad to the hospital and she didn’t know if he was going to survive the night. I started crying right that moment. I’ll never forget it. A bunch of memories flooded my mind. I started thinking about all sorts of what ifs and what nows.

We made it home and I showered and changed clothes and we headed to Atlanta Medical Center.

Dad had been flown in there from Southwest Community Hospital (where I was born). They had some problems inserting his breathing tube into his trachea so they were going to have to perform a tracheotomy on him.

When we walked to where they were preparing him I could only look at him for a second. I’d never seen him like that. His eyes were bulging out and they were glazed over. His pupils were dialated. I’m sure he didn’t know where he was. Instead I asked the doctor if I could look at his MRI. I saw it pretty clearly right that moment. He had a pretty massive Subdural Hemotoma.

I wouldn’t find out until later how he actually ended up making it to the hospital in the first place. If they had waited even an hour earlier he probably would have died. His friend Mike from Baltimore was visiting and no one would come to the door. He called my Aunt Kym who assured him that my Dad was home, just a little under the weather. He went to one of the windows to the room where Dad was and he saw him fall as he tried to get up. He called my Uncle Steve who had him rushed to the hospital.

Anyway, the surgeon, Dr. King, came to us and told us that they were going to have to remove a portion of his skull and perform surgery to relieve the pressure and such. He told us that it was very likely that he wouldn’t survive. He said it would take about 6 hours or so.

Folks, this was the most agonizing 6 hours of my life. The family gathered in a circle and prayed. Nina had a friend come and visit with her. I watched Bowl Game repeats on the TV in the corner and tried to remain strong. It seemed like a whole day passed, but the surgery was actually about 4 hours (shorter than he mentioned).

When I saw Dr. King come around the corner I prepared myself for the worst. I looked at the time on my phone and saw that he was early and I thought to myself, this can’t be good. He came to us and spoke very calmly and told us that the surgery had gone well, but that the next day or so was going to be touch and go.

I was supposed to head back to school in 2 days, but I called my ride and told her I was staying in Atlanta. I called my apartment complex and told them I’d be late returning as well. And I called the school as well. I probably shouldn’t have gone back that semester to be honest, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

They ended up putting Dad in ICU. He couldn’t talk. His head was bandaged heavily. He ended up getting pnuemonia on top of everything else. People from all over were coming and visiting. We spent many nights there at that hospital.

I got sick on that Monday and it also snowed so I ended up having to stay at home and that was tearing me up for those 2 days or so. I wanted to be at the hospital.

I ended up going back to school about 2 weeks later. I was no good though.

I wasn’t going to class. I only went to my Physical Diagnosis class. Geoff, Toney, and Jearalyn were the only people who saw me pretty regularly. I was refusing to get my hair cut. My dad had dreadlocks before his surgery and I was going to grow some to replace his. I wasn’t getting out of my bed most days. I wasn’t really eating well. Shit was just bad.

Jeralyn would ride down to Atlanta pretty often, so I would ride with her and go to see my dad. They moved him out of the ICU the day after I got up to Nashville, but he was still bedridden. He was going to have to relearn how to walk and all that.

One time on the way down to Atlanta it was raining, and we hit a rough patch and hydroplaned. The car spun, but miraculously there wasn’t ANY traffic on our side of the freeway. We ended up hitting the guardrail. Jeralyn was able to regain control pretty quickily and we were even able to continue the drive to Atlanta, although the car would have to be replaced. Of course I couldn’t talk about that when I got to Atlanta because at that point Dad was coming around to things but he was really emotional, crying at the drop of a hat and such.

Anyway as Dad improved, I started to as well. That is until that day in February when it snowed. And I’ll tell that story tomorrow.

Late August 2001

Okay, back in these days I was just starting on Blogger.com. As a matter of fact I hadn’t even made any entries besides my little testing entries. Life was different for me back then.

I was living in the duplex with Crystal back then. I think we were beefing at the time. Living in the same house and not speaking to one another. We went through alot of that prior to September 11th when we resolved to not be like that towards one another anymore for any reason.

The world had just found out about Aaliyah. Perhaps that’s why I’m so cynical toward all of the little girls on BP and such who created pages dedicated toward her after her death. I was touched by her death too, but it was nothing compared to the news I’d get later that week.

Actually let me take you back a bit further in that year. Looking back I guess I should have known things were building up toward this. I had visited my Grandmother during my graduation season. She was sick from her cancer treatments. She couldn’t make it to my actual graduation because of her sickness. She NEVER missed anything, for any reason, so I guess I should’ve seen the writing on the wall, but I didn’t. I was thinking about moving away for the first time.

When I found out that she didn’t have any signs of cancer in her body anymore, I was happy. I knew it was yet another obstacle she’d overcome. I’d see her at Thanksgiving or something and we’d talk and have fun.

Grandma’s house was always the most relaxing place on earth. You could go over there and forget about whatever was going on. When my grandfather C. Miles Sr. was still alive, we would go over there every Wednesday for boiled crabs and stuff.

So when my dad called me up early on a Tuesday morning (I think it was Tuesday), I didn’t think anything of it. He had a habit of calling me early in the morning just to talk about things. At the time I kind of hated it, I was just starting to get used to my med school schedule and my sleep was precious to me.

I answered the phone groggily, but I could tell from his voice that something was wrong.

When people get bad news, they either remember every single detail or almost nothing. In this case I remember almost nothing said in that conversation. I knew I had to go home though. I remember thinking he was talking about someone else and not initially believing that Grandma was dead. She had passed from congestive heart failure.

I ended up riding home with my cousins who live here in Nashville and my grandma’s sister who looked JUST like her. The whole ride to and back from Atlanta all I could think about was how she looked and acted JUST like my grandma. It was almost too much for me.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it, but I HATE wakes. The funeral is rough for me too, I cry alot (fuck it, it’s my site, and I don’t really care what anyone thinks). I LOSE it at wakes. I turn into a fucking baby, leaning on my mother’s shoulder crying my eyes out. I hate having to view a body in state. For some people it’s healing, for me it’s not.

So anyway, when we got to town there wasn’t time to go to the house first, everyone was at the funeral home for the wake. And I saw my dad, mom, and sisters and sat up with them and shortly afterward I was no good. I just wanted to get out of there.

The funeral itself wasn’t so bad. The toughest part of that is seeing my parents and my sisters cry, that always gets to me too. I don’t remember much other than the fact that my older cousin Steve and I had to fold some type of sheet in a Catholic tradition. We also had the whole burial thing, which ironically enough doesn’t seem to bother me nearly as much as the other stuff.

We headed back to Grandma’s house and the family ate and drank. It was cool to get people together who hadn’t been together in YEARS (and in some cases EVER), I just hated the circumstances.

The period between her death and New Years was surreal. I remember hearing about the reactions of some of my family members when it came time for the insurance money to be doled out. I think my dad was disappointed and I think I shared in his reaction.

Thanksgiving was weird, and if you read my old blogger entries, you’ll see that I actually went to San Antonio instead of going to Atlanta. I wish I’d gone to Atlanta though.

All in all, I was cool though, I grieved, and I moved on. People don’t live forever right?

Tomorrow I’ll pick up with Christmas, because that’s the start of the second story, which I’ve told in parts before I believe. But yeah, the next part is where things changed for me forever. It’s what I’m still stuck on.