I can’t believe all this time I’ve never told this story….but it appears I haven’t. Perhaps I was waiting on the moment when I was no longer embarrassed by it. Whatever the case, journey with me back to a time when the Killa Cal was a simpler guy. As a matter of fact I wasn’t even called the Killa Cal back then….no….I was still P. Diddy or if you didn’t want to get hit, Cal….this is a severely long story….so ummmm…you might want to grab a snack….*smoke comes out of nowhere* THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO….(okay like 3 people will get that joke)….but no seriously, this story is long!

So yeah, I think it was like the fall of 1998, though by this point it could have been fall of 1999 (the Killa memory, like the old grey mare, she isn’t what she used to be!). The principals involved in this story are the ever present Nile, Rich, and Mike Rob from B-Town a.k.a. The Wick b.k.a. Brunswick, GA.

Mike Rob was one of the first people I met at Morehouse when the school year actually started. I was chilling in my newly set up dorm room playing a game of Triple Play 98 when Mike peeped in and was like, “Wassup dawg, I’m Mike. Wanna get a game in?” So I was like, cool. Little did he know that I was (and still am to an extent although I repress it) a sore loser and he would soon be the first (but not last by a long shot) person kicked out of room 405 after beating me handily in a video game!

Anyway Mike was from a little town in south Georgia (near Jacksonville, FL as it were) called Brunswick. One of the frequent visitors to our dorm freshman year was his boy Rich who went to high school with him. For a long time, Rich was the countriest person I knew. Okay so he wasn’t country in the STRICT sense of the word, but his voice was HELLA twangy, and one of the first things he ever said to me was, “You crazier than creekwater dawg!” That alone made him the countriest person I knew.

And well Nile….well ya’ll know all about Nile. We have had our ups and downs, but that’s my boy….for real….I’m serious!

Anyway, now that you have the proper setup….Fall of 199-late….Mike is super excited because his high school is about to play in the quarterfinals of the class 4A (highest at the time) football tournament. It was a foregone conclusion that they would probably get WAXED by Brookwood (a powerhouse at the time), but he’d get a chance to see them play in the Atlanta area….sorta. Brookwood is also known as FAR AS F*CK. But the crew said, “Hey, why the hell not!” If anything we could scam on some high school chi….wait….ummmm…..we ain’t have sh*t else to do on that particular Friday night!

So we drove all the way out to Far As F*ck, Gwinnett county and immediately Mike and Rich see their homeboy Amp. So we go and sit by this guy Amp who turns out had the worlds most jokes at the time. As soon as we sat down it was a roastfest going back and forth. Pretty soon it came down to me and Amp (that nigga had a huge OJ Simpson-esque head).

So, I can’t mince words here folks, that nigga was giving it to me! Like I’m talking he was giving it to me worse than ANYTHING this nigga Nile ever did in middle school. This nigga was joning me out! So you know what it gets like when you are getting joned out….eventually you turn to threats of physical violence!

Well, I was so flustergated and frustrated and other adjectives of utter confusion that the threat I meant to make, never really came out right.

At the time, the wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin was the shit! He was an icon and universally recognized as someone you didn’t eff with. His finishing move was (actually still is) the Stone Cold Stunner, wherein he kicks you in the stomach, turns around while you are bent over in pain, grabs your head and drops to his ass while driving your chin onto his shoulder. It looks helluva painful! Anyway, I intended to tell buddy that I was going to Stone Cold Stun him…..but all I could manage to get out in one breath was, “B*tch, I’m Stone Cold!!!”

There was a seeming pause in ALL life for about 5 seconds. Like the area around us became a vacuum, and then laughter….non-stop laughter for like 5 minutes. At this point Nile, Rich, and Mike ALL turn on me and start joning on me. It was agony, and because we were in FAR AS F*CK, Gwinnett County, I had NOWHERE to run! I had to sit there and take it.

But it doesn’t end there (otherwise I wouldn’t be telling the story). No, as soon as we got back, Mike, Rich, and (especially) Nile told EVERYONE who wasn’t there the story, including my roommate at the time (so it had to be 1998) Eulus and his cousin (also one of my boys) Travis. Of course Nile had to gussy it up a little bit, but eventually it became “one of those stories”. You know? The stories that people tell, where they weren’t there to witness it themself, but it’s too good a story not to tell, so they end up adding on certain parts and leaving out other parts.

So fast forward to Christmas night. On the way to Club 112, somehow or another the topic of Ice Cream comes up and Eulus mentions Stone Cold Creamery…..meaning to say Cold Stone Creamery….but that’s enough to get Travis started. But our other passenger, Alvin, had never heard the story of “I’m Stone Cold” so this man Travis proceeds to hype it up in a way that would make Hype Williams proud. He hyped the story up SO much that despite all the drinks Alvin consumed in the club, and all the women he danced with, and all the old homies he reunited with he only had one thought on his mind when we got back into the car….”Yo Trav, wassup with that Stone Cold story???”

I was left with a choice, a choice the Killa shouldn’t be forced to make….tell the story of “I’m Stone Cold” myself so that as humiliating as it may be, at least the most truthful version is told….or let Travis or Eulus tell a potentially janky version. So I told it. But when I’m done, Eulus is like, “Shawdy, I hate to put you out there bad…but you left something out….” I knew at this point a “Nile-ism” was coming. He was like, “Didn’t you also give shawdy the old Degeneration-X crotch chop?” Of course this was not true, but it was so funny that even if it wasn’t a part of the real story, it was a part of the legend.

We concluded that from now on, every year, someone will be told this story, and they will add a part to it, so that by next year not only will I have yelled out with no rhyme or reason “I’m Stone Cold!!!”, and not only will I have given the universal sign for “Suck it!”, no…..in next years version I will have ripped off my shirt and had a big superman t-shirt on underneath, with the S for Stone Cold.

So I give this story to you, brave reader, for reading it….tell it….add your own embellishment! Happy New Year!

Rather than give you a blow by blow (ohhhhhhhhh) of what the Killa has been into, I’ll just let it flow like a non-rhyming freestyle….like a non-pretentious spokenword (ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)….so here goes….

Long story short, the Killa had fun in DC….to the folks I saw, thanks for showing the Killa a good time (yes the Killa is speaking in third person like Rickey Henderson….big whoop…wanna fight about it?)….to those I missed this time *ahemcoughRESHAcough* I’ll be back….

So yeah….112 was the Christmas night move….Bentley Farnsworth was dancing on tables….do with that information what you will…..

Christmas Dinner was fun as usual….there was a VERY high joke per bite ratio this year….the two highlights in my opinion were when my cousin Bryan came up behind me with a kitchen towel and tied it into a bib around my neck and when my cousin Radiance asked for some Aleve to be brought to the table and Brian brought back some Gas-X and Maalox….if you aren’t careful when you eat with us, you’ll have to leave the table choking with laughter (real talk)….

Terrence if you ever read this, you won that game on some fluke shit!!! The Killa will have his revenge!

Red Bull and Vodkas at 112….not a good look….true they use Grey Goose, but you PAY for it lil buddy….BOY do you pay for it!!!

No matter what happens, I can now COUNT on running into the homie Drew whenever I come to the ATL….that’s as sure as me being on Cascade at some point….

One time for “One Time” turning off the effing TV while the Killa and others are watching the Falcons choke away their season with a minute and change left in overtime! That was some hater shit the likes of Silky Johnston and Buck Nasty!

Okay, now that The Killa owns A Different World season 1 on DVD, the Killa can officially say season 1 is the PITS!! The best part is the little “I Was a Network Star” E! Special (that the Killa can delete from my computer now!!!) they included in the bonuses.

One time for talking to folks who I thought I was estranged from by proxy…..you made my bus trip just that bit more managable!

One time for Greyhound actually running kinda sorta on schedule AND not being full, leaving the Killa a seat to himself….

It has been brought to the Killa’s attention by SEVERAL people that he now snores…..LOUDLY….my bad ya’ll….

One time for seeing Nikki and her beautiful girls and her dad! Nikki looks GOOD (is it a backhanded compliment to add “for having two kids” when she in fact just plain looks good)?

You know I think I inadvertently ended up giving a half assed play by play of my events of the week….dah well

Congrats to my boy Eulus on getting his Masters in Stats!

I’m out for now….

So last night I hit the town running. I went to this mall called “Wheaton” (everytime I say that it conjurs up the memory of the Boondock’s episode with “A pimp named Slickback”), to hang with Eulus and Calandra (on her birthday). Meanwhile the homies from the kthxbi message board Leon (also known as Hustleman) and Hassan were on their way out to boonieville to scoop me. The events that transpired can be explained with 8 simple rules.

DO find a better place to meet up and make first acquaintences than Target….blocking the flow of X-Mas shoppers is a sure way to get hit by a cart or something, not saying that it happened….Hassan got our minds right before it DID happen, but that would have been a very bad situation….

DO find some great spots to kick it at….the first spot we went to was called The Common Share….Leon warned me before we entered that he was like “Norm from Cheers” when it came to that place….he wasn’t lying ya’ll!!! We walked up and the doorman was about to ask for our IDs then he saw Leon and was like, “ya’ll are cool, come on in!” We walked in and it was a cool little spot, they had some pictures on the wall and among them was Leon from a time past….we had a round of drinks before leaving there and heading to the next spot called Souzzi or something like that….it was a real cool little chill spot as well….the upstairs part had “hookahs”….no, not whores (I know some of you would expect that of me!), the smoking pipe things (like Billy Bong Thorton in Halfbaked)….speaking of that spot

DON’T approach a chick if you have questions as to whether she at some point (or maybe STILL) was a man….this chick kept walking by us and we were all trying to get a good look at her face or whatever…then we heard her voice….all conversation STOPPED….like INSTANTLY….then finally Leon was like, “ummm is she a man!!” As he said what Hassan and I were apparently thinking, we struggled to resume convo….there is nothing to break the flow of a good conversation like gender confusion!!….luckily we were drinking good…..which causes topics to mysteriously start and stop ANYWAY….which leads to my next point….

DO drink good….we each had strong drinks which to me speaks alot of people….I respect those who DON’T drink, don’t get me wrong….but it’s a really good sign of kicking it when the drinks are strong like Jack and Cokes, Dirty Martini’s (a diplomat’s drink indeed!), and Rum and Cokes. I almost felt wussy with my Red Bull and Vodkas….of course drinking will lead to needing to take a piss…just remember….

DON’T try to take a piss on a building downtown….especially if there is a guard like 50 feet away that you didn’t see in your drunken haze….it will test your ability to “pull the emergency break” without staining your pants! It does make for good laughs though!

DO find a good seat in The Diner….near some biddies who may be a tad hoodish, but look damned good….as a matter of fact, GO to The Diner….I mean it was a frigging TUESDAY and still, the biddie factor was STRONG! I thought I was in the BK Lounge (hey Max, that De La Soul reference was for you…and you too Geoff!)….in true Killa Cal fashion I didn’t finish my food, but that didn’t make it any less good…as a matter of fact, my growling stomach could use it right now…..buuuuut….

DON’T leave your leftovers in the car after the LONG ride back to College Park….but if you do, at least remember to call Hassan and let him know so he doesn’t have the surprise of an old Western Omelette when he comes to the car at some future point….

last but not least….

DO keep at least one of the people out WAYYY longer than they need to be out….I really hope Leon made it to work today and didn’t curse someone out as a result of sleep deprivation….We went WAAAAY past the legal limit for kicking it on a work night….but fun was had all around!

More updates later ya’ll….as the Killa Cal’s National Vacation continues….

It was a pretty good weekend for the homie The Killa.

I went down to Columbus, Georgia for the wedding of Mr. and Mrs. Tony (Michelle) Lewis. It was a really nice wedding. One of those weddings when you can tell that the Bride and Groom are really in love, and it’ll last. Michelle did a little “happy hop” when the pastor announced them to the audience as man and wife. I am happy for both of them. I remember one of the first times I met them both looking at them and thinking they were ALREADY married. Days like Saturday give me hope (even if it’s just a glimmer) of future marriage for the Killa.

I had fun in Columbus though, I met a bunch of great folks, some I had heard about previously, and others for the first time. Who knows, as much as the Killa enjoys travel, I may end up back there (at least for a Morehouse/Tuskegee game or 3).

As I get ready to head to DC I realize, I already have too many people to see, and too much to do! If I get half of what I want to do done, I’ll consider the trip a success…..actually eff that! It’s a success just because it’s happening! I’m long overdue for visiting the homie!

Well I still have a bunch to do…..so I’ll try and update when I get to DC!

Man I am lazy, depressed, and ummmm lazy. I’ve actually been meaning to write something here for the past few days, and just never got around to it. I guess I’m getting around to it now….non-sequitur style.

- So the other night after the B-Hop/Taylor fight (more on that in a second), me and the homie Wendell rolled out to this Nashville party. It was your typical party more or less (besides the low turnout…prolly the rain). That led to Wendell telling me the ingredients to the Nashville “Club Punch”, you know…the basic elements to any party in Nashville. It’s one part Supergay “Fagboy” who is just dancing around doing way too much the entire time. Then you have five parts SUPER-average to below-average chick who thinks she’s hotter than she is. You know those chicks….or maybe you don’t, but they are abundant in Nashville. As I remarked on one of my message boards recently, a 5 in Atlanta is an 8 in Nashville. Okay so let’s not forget the 2 parts, dude who is too old to really be there and should probably be home with his wife and/or kids. Like this was a 25 and up party, so you KNOW a dude falling into this category has to be like in his 50’s or older, and sure enough there were two there. Then you have 2 parts, dude who doesn’t dance and just drinks and makes snarky comments about everyone there. The rest of the punch (like the juice or whatever you add for flavor) are the regular club goers who are just trying to have a good time. They are the make or break. The DJ is the stirrer, in this case one of the best, Lawbreaker. No comment on where me and Wendell might have fallen into the mix.

- So yeah the B-Hop/Taylor fight. B-Hop did just enough to lose the fight in my opinion. Maybe it’s the age thing, or maybe he just doesn’t match up well with Taylor, whatever the case is, he needs to hang the gloves up. But beyond the fight, it was the extracurricular stuff that got me. R. Kelly is a muthaeffing disgrace man! Like for real. I was watching it downstairs at a little thing for the homie Baby J’s birthday (this is your late internet birthday shout out, you already got the real deal though), and we were all like, “What the hell”. In case you missed it, this GD fool had STEPPERS stepping in the name of love to the National Anthem, which he had remixed in true R. Smelly fashion. All I could think of was the Boondocks and I was hoping beyond hope that the crowd wouldn’t be brainwashed….they weren’t. They booed the HELL out of Smelly! It almost made up for that Tom Coonery that he displayed. Almost….I really want to know whose bright idea it was to have Smelly do the national anthem ANYWAY! I’m becoming more and more like Uncle Ruckus (no relation) everyday, I tell you!

- If you don’t already, you should check out the INS. Me and OJ did a new episode of Shootin The Gift over there. It’s about cartoons. It’s funny as hell! I also wrote a Peter Griffin-esque rant about those 80 cent a day kids, that….well you just have to read it. It was a tad….ummm…harsh…maybe a bit racist, but it’s all tongue in cheek. Too much family guy I guess….speaking of…….

- I bought the new Family Guy DVD set. It’s great! Way too hilarious. I had H up in here watching it and she said, “Oh no they didn’t” about 20 times, Seth McFarlane would be proud. Tomorrow I’m going to pick up the new Aqua Teen Hunger Force set as well. I can’t wait til they put the Boondocks out! I may get either/or The Beavis and Butthead Mike Judge collection or A Different World season one. I know some of you are in shock as to me not already having A Different World, but I’m really not that big a fan of the first season, I’d just be getting it for completion’s sake. I probably will. As for Beavis and Butthead, well….my mom wouldn’t let me watch when I was younger, so really it hinges on if it contains the videos (the earlier dvd sets didn’t) and what episodes it has. If the “Babes R Us” episode is on there, I’m getting it like yesterday!

- I went out and drank myself silly on Friday. Thanks alot Miss M! I had a great time, we gotta do it again sometime soon!

- I’m going to Washington, DC on the 19th. Already bought the ticket and everything, and it’s long overdue. I’m finally visiting the homie E Meezy up at University of Maryland. So any people in DC who still read this joint, be on the lookout!

That’s all for now….it’s almost poker time!