If yesterday was all about Ole Blue Eyes a.k.a. Francis Albert Sinatra (and it was), then today is definitely about Stevie Wonder.  I really wish I could take some music into the test with me because I swear I get better scores when I’m listening to something I like, such as what’s currently playing, "All Day Sucker".

I spent all morning writing out flash cards for last minute clues and what not.  Things like mathematical calculations that I’ve been neglecting and the different triglyceride/cholesterol diseases and little embryo stuff.  Those are easy, high yield points that I don’t want to miss just because I didn’t give them their due diligence while trying to nail down the intracacies of mitral regurgitation.

Why is it that I always end up buying more at the grocery store than I intend to?  Last night I was trying to get a box of pasta, a six pack of beer, a pound of mozzarella cheese, and a container of ricotta.  I ended up getting among other things 3 jugs of cranberry-apple juice (because it was on sale), canadian bacon, eggs, and english muffins (since I have leftover hollandaise sauce…to make eggs benedict…yeah I’m bougie!), and even some pesto and ready to boil pasta for last nights (and presumably tonights) dinner.  Then I realized that my spice game was running low, so I had to restock on the essentials.  Pretty soon I was close to $60!

You don’t care about that though do you?  You wanna know about my woman troubles don’t you?  Last night I put my "no more mister nice guy" mentality to work.  I was a little rude, I was mean, but at least I got it off my chest.  I was still kind of passive aggressive about it, but hey, baby steps right?  I mean Rome wasn’t built in a day, and the Killa can’t turn into a full blown asshole overnight!  Soon enough though….well enough procrastinating, time to practice!

LESS THAN A WEEK MAN!

There used to be a time when I would say whatever I felt like saying on this site, without any fear.  The odd thing about it is that it was back then I actually had MORE readers, or at least more people were commenting.  But now, I feel strangely compelled to censor myself.  Maybe it’s because now I’m saying things here I wouldn’t say directly.  I’ve become a more cryptic person, whereas back then I was usually reflecting things I’d already pretty much already said to whoever it concerned.

The way I’m doing things now, I’m leaving too much open to interpretation.  I get the feeling that sometimes people are taking messages meant for or regarding others to heart.

I guess it would help if I’d be more direct, but I’ve come to find that no matter how much I WANT to be, sometimes I can’t.  My nerves and other intangibles come into play.

So what will it come to?  I don’t know….maybe I’ll get an adrenaline rush at the right time and I’ll just spill my guts once and for all for better or for worse.  I just hate rocking the old proverbial boat.  I’m not winning, but I’m not losing you know?

Sometimes this all seems like the passive aggressive, cowardly way of doing things, but at the same time, it’s SO cathartic…..

Today I had lunch with an old friend.  It was the first time hanging out in a long, long time.  Our seperation was completely my fault, but today it felt good to sit and talk and eat and just shoot the shit.  She’s one of my favorite folks and she didn’t deserve what she had to go through because of my impulsiveness and anger.  I’m glad she was able to let bygones be bygones.

I’m trying to be a better me….I might not be as nice, but I will be a better friend.  Like I used to be….

Projection - a defense mechanism in which one attributes ("projects") to others, one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts or/and emotions. Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted subconscious impulses/desires without letting the ego recognize them.

Displacement - a subconscious defense mechanism whereby the mind redirects affects from an object felt to be dangerous or unacceptable to an object felt to be safe or acceptable. For instance, some people punch cushions when angry at friends; a college student may snap at their roommate when upset about an exam grade.

Reaction Formation - a defense mechanism in which anxiety-producing or unacceptable emotions are replaced by their direct opposites. This mechanism is often characteristic of obsessional neuroses. When this mechanism is overused, especially during the formation of the ego, it can become a permanent character trait.

These three defense mechanisms have become a huge part in my pathology with women.  Yes, it’s a pathology at this point.  I always expend WAY too much energy into the wrong ones and then the ones I actually like, I clam up and treat them indifferently.  I give the absolutely WRONG ones the attention that I can’t bring myself to give to the RIGHT ones.  Then I end up feeling like half a jerk.

Sometimes it’s better to be turned down for a date, than to go out with someone who you end up feeling like crap after dealing with them.  Maybe my ego is too fragile, who knows, but I do know this, I don’t deal with lack of appreciation well.

I’m going to deal with this in full after my test, because I’m ready to seize the day!  Eff it!

Nuff said….

Start the prayers now….

I made allusions to it earlier this week, but it’s a pretty well known fact that I’m prone to moments of self loathing.  I mentioned Larry David and Richard Lewis as icons in self loathing, but I forgot the once and future king.  The one and only Woody Allen!  I think this line from Annie Hall sums him (and me) up in a nutshell:

"I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That’s the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.

Now I wouldn’t go THAT far in my self-effacement, I think my club, while exclusive is worthy of joining, but I do sometimes tend to question the initial motives of women who become interested in me.  I am a bit of an acquired taste.  I grow on women or at least I like to think that I do.

Then again, maybe I have it all twisted and I’m really a charming guy and I’ve got suitors out the ante that I’m just to oblivious to notice.  Maybe I should put out some feelers or something, we need some new members!

The Killa’s attractive female Spokesmodel approaches the podium.  The crowd is significantly smaller than past press conferences.  The Killa appears from behind a curtain dressed in an orange pastel Lacoste shirt and khaki pants.  He cracks a sheepish grin and nods to the spokesmodel to begin.

Spokesmodel:  It’s been awhile ladies and gentlemen.  The rules are still the same.  The Killa is slightly kinder and maybe a tad gentler, but he’ll still walk away from questions he deems inappropriate.  Please remember to be acknowledged by the Killa Himself before beginning your question.  With that I’ll hand things over to the Killa.

The crowd clamors.  Hands raise but the Killa motions for them to simmer down.

The Killa:  *clears throat*  Before I get to your questions, I just want to thank everyone for showing up to this de facto grand opening of the brand spanking new KillaCal dot net.  A press conference was well overdue.  Okay now, I’ll take my first question.  You from the Maroon Tiger.

Maroon Tiger Reporter:  Welcome back Killa, I like the digs.  So give us some highlights of the past month or so.

The Killa:  Well, let’s see.  I’ve been doing a steady diet of questions online.  I exhausted my Kaplan questions so now I’m doing USMLEworld questi….wait, none of you care about that!  I’ve managed to fit some kicking it into my oh so busy schedule.  I’ve been to Cabana’s & Flying Saucer a few times.  I reopened the Boom Boom Room to the public and had an official Pregame for the Match Party.  I went to the Que-Stilleto event and even out on the town for St. Patty’s Day.  The involved parties in said shenanigans know who they are *wink and gun*.  I’ve had a good time, all while managing to improve my test scores.  That good enough???  Next question, you from the Spelman Spotlight.

Spelman Spotlight Reporter:  I heard you’ve had a new recurring dream, want to tell us about it?

The Killa:  How the hell did you find out about that….oh well, why the hell not?  So in this dream, I’m still at Morehouse and it’s the middle of the semester when I realize I haven’t been to class AT ALL.  Not only that, but someone has stolen all of my clothes except for the pajamas I have on (that actually happened to a dude I know as an aside).  The dream always ends in the same way.  I sit down for an English, or sometimes History, essay exam and I don’t know a single answer so I jump out of the window.  Weird eh?  Next question, you there from People Magazine.

People Magazine Reporter:  The past few entries have been semi-cryptic.  Are they directed at anyone in particular.

The Killa:  Next question…one more like that and I’m out of here!!  I mean it!  You there….the one that looks like Meredith Viera…wait, wait, you ARE Meredith Viera!!!

Meredith Viera:  Killa it’s a pleasure, I’m a huge fan.  What do you have planned for the immediate future.

The Killa:  Wow, what an honor.  I watch the Today show everyday since I don’t have cable anymore!  Speaking of which and on the subject, I plan to take my test on the first available date and get my cable and internet back!  I’ve been worse than Champ Kind without Ron Burgundy without the net and cable!  I’m a mess without it!  I wish I was going to Nashville on the Rocks tonight, but because I haven’t taken the test yet and money is funny and other things I just won’t be able to go.  Yeah I know it sucks.  Ummmm let’s see….I’ve got a trip in the works, but you know how I am about keeping the details close until the time comes.  With that, this press conference is oh-vah!  Peace!

The Killa jumps back behind the curtain and hops into a waiting vehicle.  The spokesmodel approaches the podium.

Spokesmodel:  Well, People Magazines credentials have been revoked from future Killa Press Conferences, but overall things went well.  Thanks for coming folks!

Another from the files of "out of the mouths of Babes".  I was telling my buddy Anya about my last entry and she said she wasn’t surprised and then revealed something else about me that I hadn’t considered.  According to her I am also pretty self-absorbed.

Can you imagine that?  A guy like me, with a website named after him full of self indulgent entries and who often refers to himself in the third person, self-absorbed?  I immediately searched my feelings and saw it to be true of course.

As I thought about it during the course of the day, I thought about all of the times I’d been called egocentric and selfish and other things related to being self-absorbed and well, lets just say I wanted to stop thinking.  I can’t count the number of times I’ve taken offense to something that wasn’t really related to me because I just assumed that just as my thoughts revolved around me and by extention her, all of her thoughts revolved around…well….me.  I can’t tell you how many times I thought a girl was doing something just to ignore me or avoid me, not taking it into consideration that it probably had little to nothing to do with me.

So slowly, I’m realizing it’s not always all about me.  You may laugh, but I never really considered my massive egomania and how it related to my interactions with others.  How could someone who at times exhibited more self-loathing tendencies than Larry David, Richard Lewis, and George Costanza combined be so enamored with himself?  It took awhile for it to sink in that hate is the same intense feeling as love and self-hate and self-love are both forms of egocentrism.

So am I looking to become less egocentric?  Maybe, maybe not.  But now I know, and knowing is half the battle!

Last night I was compelled to call a "dear friend" (as she’s referred to me in the past).  I don’t know what it is about me where when I’m feeling down I reach out to those old familiar women in my life.  She’s reached that point in the course of things I guess.

Anyway, in our discussion we talked about part of my problem with women.  After struggling to put it into words for awhile she finally came to the conclusion that I’m "icy".  I found it interesting that she said that as she’s probably one of 3 women I’ve interacted with that I felt like I was able to open up to, and still SHE felt that I was "icy".

I mean of course she’s right.  It takes me awhile to warm to people, it’s just in my nature, no matter how hot the flame inside burns for a woman, I almost make it a point that she doesn’t know it, with rare exceptions.

I almost wanted her to go into detail, but I figured I’d let sleeping dogs lie, seeing as we’ve both pretty much moved on with our lives.  Still I wonder, if one of the people who I’ve truly let into my inner sanctum, who knows so much more about me than just about any other non-related woman, if SHE thinks I’m "icy" then I guess I am.

I guess it doesn’t matter how long or bright that candle burns inside of me, that ice won’t ever melt, not until I start to carve away at it at least.  Right now it’s glacierlike….iceberg….forget an icebox!

Am I ready for that?  Who knows, I know that Old Cal would have lingered on it and made it a weeks or even month long ordeal.  I can’t do that anymore, I gotta keep it moving.  If it don’t work for me, gotta be moving on.

I think I just felt a little of that ice melt away just now.

This is the big change I was hinting at oh so long ago!  It’s here and while the outward changes are obvious the changes for me are even more so!  I should have made the move to wordpress a long, long time ago to be honest, but well, life gets in the way sometimes you know?

I’ve actually had a great deal to say in the interim but I wanted to go ahead and wait for the transition to take place.  I’ve been hella, hella, hella busy.  I figure I’ll still keep blogging on Myspace as well as here, but look for me to return much of my more introspective/life goings ons type stuff here and focus more on music and pop culture stuff on Myspace.

So much has happened in the past month or so that warrants mentioning.  I’ll get to it in due time.

For now take a look around as changes occur.  I’m going to be working on catagorizing my past entries as well as adding a blogroll/favorite links so if you want your site or favorite site linked let me know!

By the way, OJ did a hell of a job on the layout and stuff didn’t he?  Do yourself a favor and if you are interested shoot him some business, the pertinant links are located below.  He’s done some high profile work for some of your favorite stars (mainstream and otherwise) as well as low profile stuff like this for the homie Killa Cal!  I’m honored that he did some of his best work for me!