So this year, instead of the usual trip to Mississippi, I went in a different direction.  Still west, but slightly north to St. Louis, Missouri.  H’s family has just about adopted me as one of the family.

After a bit of a delay Wednesday, we arrived in time to change clothes and head out to a spot in "The Hill" area called Modesto’s.  They had $3 Patron shots and other great drinks and we had a good time.

I woke up late on Thanksgiving morning and ate a big breakfast (what was I thinking??).  Then I started to snack on cocktail shrimp and other goodies that H’s mom made us (like crab cakes).  Eman arrived and we drank some spiked tea.  I stuffed myself like a juice pig.  I was sweating when all was said and done, and I had only eaten half of my plate.

Friday night we hung out with Vince and hit up Leneia’s bar, Premium Lounge for a few cocktails before heading BACK to Vince’s.  We sat and talked and argued about FAMU vs. the AUC and other stuff (well after I took a little nap that is).

Saturday I washed clothes and chilled and played Guitar Hero….we played ALOT of that….and then we went to H’s grandma’s house and then her mom’s favorite restuarant, Momo’s, which serves Greek food.  I proceeded to stuff myself.  We had a really good time.

Sunday morning I did something I hadn’t done in over 4 years, I went to church.  It wasn’t so bad.  I didn’t get struck down and my face didn’t melt.  I almost felt….refreshed.  Shortly thereafter we packed and headed on the road again.

I had such a good time and to be honest I needed it.  It was refreshing, but also a bit sad to watch a family enjoy each other’s company.  No hassles, no drama, just love.  No worries, no passive aggressive avoiding of discussions.  I got a respite from that, until Christmas anyway.

I have more to say, but I don’t know how to put it into words yet.  Keep praying for me.  Things are about to get even worse.

Okay let me preface this by saying I KNOW my parents both made many, many sacrifices for me….and still do….but you gotta think about why we are in the position we are in……

My parents both came from relatively well off backgrounds.  They didn’t have to want for much growing up.  Both of their fathers were dentists.  They grew up in the middle of the civil rights era, but they didn’t have to worry about where their meals were going to come from.

Then they got married and had us.  And well…..they made a series of questionable decisions in their lives.  They aren’t good with money.  They’ve struggled financially for their entire adult lives.

Now I’m an adult and I’m a student and I’m struggling and I feel like I’m STUCK in a perpetual cycle of brokeness and I gotta tell you I’m NOT content with it in the least!

Alot of my classmates can call on their parents or other family members to help them out.  I’ve been EXTREMELY fortunate to have good friends who have helped me, because I’m really not getting much from my parents.  I really don’t like throwing blame around, because hey, the bottom line is that if I were the best student I could be, I’d not have to be dependent on anyone.  But the fact of the matter is, I can’t breath right now.

I can’t afford to live….I can’t afford to eat…I can’t afford anything right now.  If there WERE a girl I liked and wanted to start to date seriously, I couldn’t.  I owe money everywhere.  My phone is about to be turned off.  I’ll probably be evicted in January.  Everything is coming to a head and spiraling out of control and I feel like there is NO way out of this vacuum.

I can’t give up, but at the same time my options are bleak.  I can join the armed forces.  I can’t really see any other viable option at this point.

I wish I had the options my parents had.  I like to think I would have made some wiser decisions.  As it stands right now, I’m a child of their consequences.  I think that’s what bothers me the most.

I don’t know man…I’m really at a loss right now.  I told my sister in a conversation earlier that I’ll find a way out of this mess…..but honestly….I can’t see it……

Soooo, this weekend was interesting.

Friday seems like as good a place to start as any.  I was over at West Basic Sciences for class for the first time in ages.  The second year group had exams so it was busy over there.  I ran into a friend of mine who I usually see out and about.  As a matter of fact this was the first time I’d run into her without a drink in my hand.  So she asks what’s going on tonight and I say I don’t know.  So she says she’s gonna call me and we’re gonna do something.

I gotta tell you, I liked that alot.  I told her that I’d be disappointed if she didn’t call.

In the meanwhile I got up with Heather and we drank beer.  We called Candice and she also drank beer and slept.  Then I got the call that I guess I’d been waiting for.  After a little decision making and deliberating we decided to head out to Virago.  We drank and she ate and we talked and had a good time.

Saturday I had a class/workshop/whatever you want to call it to attend.  And so I got up at the buttcrack of dawn and did that.  Then once again I hooked up with Heather and Candice.  More beer was consumed.  Football was watched.  The Bulldogs kicked ass which was good!  Then we headed out to Jonathan’s out in Bellevue for their 2 for 1 beer special.  Yeah, we prolly have a drinking problem collectively.  Baby J met us out there and in the meanwhile I’d called/texted my friend from the previous night.

This was probably a mistake.  I ended up rolling out with her and Heather first out to a restuarant by her place, then to her place, and then to the club (The Place…which is a DUMB name for a club…I’m sorry).  Anyway, by this point I was all falling asleep in the car and just not in the mood for clubbing, but I went anyway.  I didn’t even drink man.

I didn’t want her to think I wasn’t having a good time because of her, because honestly she’s really cool and everything I know about her so far makes me want to know more, but I just wasn’t feeling ANYTHING Saturday night.  I knew when I started grumbling about the group nigga dancing (you know Cupid Shuffle/Electric Slide/Cha Cha Slide/Soulja Boy/Achy Breaky Heart/etc.) that it was going to be a long night.  Long story short I was ready to go about an hour before we left.

So in hindsight, seeing her again two nights in a row was a bit of overkill.  I hope she wants to see me again, because she’s cool…and who knows.  I know that I haven’t said, "who knows" and meant it about a girl in a while…..

The Godfather is almost universally recognized as one of the top three movies of all time.  What many people don’t know is that it’s a VERY faithful translation of a novel by Mario Puzo.  I’ve read the novel about 3 times and as anyone who’s seen a movie and then read the original novel will tell you, there are just certain things that no matter how the film tries to convey, it just can’t compare with written words.  Yes, even with Al Pacino bringing the words to life.

For instance the feeling that Michael Corleone gets when he sees his future wife Appolonia for the first time.  It’s described as "the thunderbolt".  They did a pretty decent job in the film, but the words in the novel really leave no doubt as to the absolute and sudden nature of his falling for her.  Everytime I see the movie or read the book I keep hoping the segment where she meets her demise is changed and he goes on to live a Kay Adams free experience (but that’s another entry).

Well I’ve been hit by the thunderbolt myself.  No it’s not a girl yet…..

I’m going to put my foot forward toward becoming an anesthesiologist!  After two weeks behind the operating table I’ve fallen in love with it.  I think I could do it for the rest of my life.  It’s not like that feeling of "yeah I could get used to this" that I’ve felt before.  It’s the "this is what I should be doing!!" that other people talk about.

So now I can focus on actually getting there…..which is easier said than done….but at least I know my goal….

Man has it been THAT long?  Homecoming was the last time I wrote?  REALLY?!?!?

A thousand apologies, if indeed I have any readers remaining.  Much has gone down in the life of the Killa in the interim and if I were to write about it all I’d be sitting here for hours.  That is not my plan.

Honestly it’s not even like I haven’t had opportunities to write or even issues to write about.  I have.  It’s just.  It’s not even that I didn’t WANT to blog, I did.  But then I’d check a message board and feel compelled to reply to something and then I’d want to change my fantasy football lineup and then I’d want to check myspace and then I’d want to check facebook and before I knew it I had forgotten about blogging.

No longer I say!  My dear blog, you’ve gone neglected, and what’s more you’ve lost your way.  I’m back though and I no longer care if I am the only one reading it (that’s how it started anyway!).

Anyway, enough rambling preamble type mess….

Today was another in the seemingly endless series of OSCEs in my medical career.  I feel like I’ve already written about my disdain of the dreaded OSCE, but in case you missed it, an OSCE is an basically a test of your clinical skills where you have interactions with patients (standardized patients i.e. Actors or models of body parts).  Today I interacted with two plastic arms and a plastic vagina and a woman with a pair of polyurithane (or whatever the material is) breasts strapped to her chest.  Supposedly, these pressure packed 6 minute interactions can guage our clinical skills.  Honestly I prefer being pimped by an attending or even a resident.  However the powers that be haved deemed it necessary to view us via closed circuit camera to see how we "really perform".

I also had a midterm exam on computer.  I passed it, but not with my usual flair and zest.  I almost felt like I was back in basic sciences today!

Anyway, besides one MAJOR area (money…isn’t it always money), I’m doing better than I ever have.  I’m enjoying life inspite of, or maybe even BECAUSE of the obstacles being thrown my way.

Until next time….