I’m tired y’all…and it’s not just school that’s eating at my energy.

I play my cards close to the vest.  At times that makes me aloof, and even downright weird.  I don’t share my feelings with everyone.  Although I know alot of people, there are precious few people who I consider in my inner circle, and of those even fewer who I feel like I can let my guard down around.

But recently I’ve been trying…with mixed results….

I was told recently that it’s best to be upfront with people about your intentions and so I decided to try that out this week.  Instead of playing along and being pretentious (I hate pretense in all of its forms), I finally, after much thought and internal struggle told someone that I would be seeing soon that I wasn’t interested in being just a friend anymore.  I didn’t want to marry the girl, hell I didn’t even want to be her boyfriend….but I wasn’t trying to be her friend either.

That didn’t really work out.  I decided it was in my best interest to not pursue ANYTHING with her any further, because honestly, it would just be painful to be around her knowing what I wanted and what she wanted were apparently two different things.

So ends my short foray into risk taking.  I’ve never been one to do what people tell me to do as it pertains to women.  I’m not the guy who is going to be "dared" or peer-pressured into talking to a girl.  I’m not going to make a move on a girl just because "we make a good couple".  I’m not going to put my feelings on the line on a whim.

I realize the consequences of the above as well.  I realize that I may miss out on love or never get married and all that other shit that normal people value/make the be all end all of their lives.  I’m just not a "regular" guy I guess.

The chase doesn’t thrill me.  I’m not gonna chase after a girl.  I don’t enjoy that shit.  I don’t like "hard to get".  I put my feelings out there ONCE and if she isn’t receptive, I move on.  I don’t have any "game" and I don’t really want any.  I want a woman who likes me for me….and I’m never going to be that suave player guy.  I don’t have money, and I probably never will be rich, I’m content to be comfortable and make sure my children don’t have to struggle like me and my sisters did.

I’m not the type of guy to just up and reveal the contents of my heart and soul to ANYONE.  There are like four people currently who know more about the state of my heart than anyone else and it’s because I trust them almost as completely as I’ve ever trusted anyone.  I just don’t feel that with anyone else…I don’t know if I ever will….

I know I came close…..or at least I was moving in that direction….but now….now I’m good….

Time is God’s most valuable gift to us.  So why do I waste so much of it?  I’m sitting here listening to one of my On-The-Go playlists and looking up random shit on wikipedia.  I should probably be studying for my upcoming surgery subject board, but you know, I just can’t bring myself to do that.  Wasting on of God’s most precious gifts seems altogether more interesting.

I’ve probably heard the Pretty Poison song I’m listening to 500 times….literally.  But I’m content to sit and listen to it like it’s the first time.  And now that "Come As You Are" has started to play, I’m bobbing my head and shaking my knees to it.

You know….I’m not certain I’m going to go back to Atlanta for the break.  I mean it’s the likely thing, hell it’s the probable thing, but I’m not certain.  I have literally every reason in the world to go back for the break, but still somewhere in the deepest recesses of my heart I don’t really want to go back.  I just want to be alone.  Why do I feel this way?

I got other things on my mind, but it appears that I’ve lost my writing mojo….I just can’t bring myself to talk about them….

So in the course of like 4 months, I’ve finished all 7 Harry Potter books.  I’m so mad at myself for not having read them earlier.  J. K. Rowling really is a genius man, because the stories are so well put together.  The last two books especially were right up there with The Stand as far as reads go.  I can’t wait to finish watching the movies!

I don’t really know which character I related to the most.  In some ways I’m very much Harry.  I know everyone always wants to relate to the main character.  Everyone always wants to see the qualities that make the main character so important reflected in themselves.

Of course I have a bit of a mean streak as well, so in many ways I related to Draco Malfoy….for the first few books anyway.

But the character I enjoyed the most was Severus Snape.  No one really knew what his intentions were.  No one knew where he stood.  But in the end he was righteous and true.  He was mysterious, but a romantic at heart.  An unrequited romantic at that.  Snape is the character I’ll miss the most now that there aren’t any Harry Potter books to read anymore.  When my Lily Evans has her child, I’m sure I’ll be just as ambivalent about him as Snape was about Harry.

But enough about Harry….so I had my oral examination today for Surgery….I think I did pretty well, better than I expected to.  I’ll be so glad when this stuff is over with, you just don’t know!

The future is scary y’all…..if I thought this year was rough, next year is going to be pure hell….or maybe it won’t….