If you’ve seen it let me know where to find it…..

I’m struggling with this aging thing. I went to lunch for a co-worker’s birthday today. She turned 19. Yep, I’m a full 10 year, 1 month, and 1 day older than her. If that didn’t make me feel old. There was only one person there who was legal drinking age and she is 24. And there was a 13 year old. I found myself catching myself when I cursed. At first I felt “young at heart”, but I then felt just plain ole old and that feeling has been lingering ever since.

I think I’ve been trying to recapture the magic lately, but I guess I kind of came to the realization earlier that I just have to create all new magic.

I’m feeling lonely (happy, but lonely still) more often than I have in the past. I feel an almost pathological need to start dating and give myself some later life options. What is wrong with me? Could it be that we are all destined to give “it” a shot at some point or the other?

See how wishy washy and erratic I am right now? Tell consistancy to give me call!

First let me say Happy Birthday to my favorite Lousiana lady, Millineum Mandy! Hope it’s a good one!

Yesterday was a great day. I think it’s important to state that at the outset so that you, the reader, knows that I do in fact appreciate my good days as much as I bitch about my bad days.

It started inauspiciously, with me coming up to the school and doing random tasks and harrassment of my summer friends. I love the summer time with all the random new people I meet, some who occassionally enter my full time life, others who are good for summer fun. This summer is no different. I hope it always remains that way.

Anyway after awhile I gave H a call to see when my ex-(and future)wife was coming into town. We decided to go grab some lunch at Fatoush while we waited on her. After that we went back to her spot and almost as soon as we got there Dara arrived. We met her on campus and H dropped me off as I had one more errand to run for my job.

After that we went to play tennis. Well….let me put it like this to be fairer to those involved. Heather, Dara, and my partner Bert played Tennis, I hit about 10% of my balls in play, so I don’t think it’s very accurate to say I played tennis. We lost in spectacular fashion, and I was the MV(L)P! Roger Federer I am not!

After that we kept a promise to the godson, PJ, and took him swimming. We taught him how to play Marco Polo and we did random cannonballs in Ron Burgundy fashion. He had a little kickboard which provided us entertainment/annoyance as well. We swam until our skin shriveled up like prunes.

Having swam for a while we worked up quite an appetite. We decided to grab something to eat before heading to play some Rock Band at H’s. After some deliberation we decided to head for this Jamaican spot in the Farmer’s Market at the recommendation of Jahana. When we arrived, we had a bit of trepidation because it was one of those “white table cloth” places and we all basically still had on our swimsuits, not to mention this old woman kept staring at us from her table.

We ended up taking a seat and placing a to-go order. I made the mistake of switching out my Cream Soda for Dara’s Vitamalt Ginger Beer because she had mistakenly gotten that for her drink. It was a pain and a half to guzzle that bad boy. Anyway I ordered the Curry Goat with Rice and Peas and a dumpling. When we finally (and I mean FINALLY) got our order I noticed that it said Rice N Peas, Dumpy, Goat. I picked that name up as my own. If I ever start a real life Rock Band I’m naming it Dumpy Goat…and if you read this and steal the idea I’m suing you! At any rate, the food was great and worth the wait, though I didn’t sleep well due to some serious heart burn, curry is worth that to me!

Anyway, we capped the night by drinking some Dark and Stormy’s and playing Rock Band and then doing some karaoke. Man I love Rock Band, even though playing the drums is EXTREMELY tiring/frustrating for me. And well, even though I can’t sing very well, it doesn’t stop me from trying! That’s always fun!

So yeah, fun day. Let the good times roll!

This weekend while hanging out with my favorite little homie in the world, PJ, I called up Elenda because she had been on my mind….well maybe not her specifically….LOL, but I digress. Anyway she says something to the effect of “I know you’re mourning, but when you gonna blog again”….I laughed, because honestly more than anything I’ve just been busy, and not really “blogable” busy. But busy in the sense that I was on a rotation that took a great deal of my time and energy, so that by the time the day was done I was exhausted and just wanted to decompress.

Things are trending back downward though as far as my activities. I got my summer gig with the Pre-Backies, but that’s pretty low stress most of the time. I start Kaplan soon, and once again that is also pretty low stress. I’m going to continue my Step 2 studies, but my attitude toward Step 2 is about the same as my attitude was toward the SAT. It’s not a matter of if, but by how much. Yes, the Killa has his academic swagger back.

I also might or might not have my eye or eyes on a lady or one or two. So we’ll see how that develops….or not.

I wish I had more to say, but I don’t right now. Maybe later….heh heh….

First things first, the funeral was nice and I think my Grandmother would have been happy about it. Many thanks again to all those who looked out for a brotha in various capacities. Special thanks to the homie ACG for her role, and also H for the beautiful arrangement.

So moving along….

I’m learning slowly but surely to bite my tongue (or my fingers) when it comes to venting here. To borrow from the Soprano siblings, Tony and Janice, “There is alot that I could say that I’m not going to say!” Suffice it to say, the old Cal would be embroiled in some shit that honestly ain’t my business right now. But I’m learning to balance my “fiercely loyal” with the best interests of people I care about. For now I can privately seethe…..right?

…everyone who has been kind enough to call/email/leave a comment here or on facebook or whatever….even if it’s just calling to check up on me and having a mundane conversation….

I have been kind of up and down (more than usual) lately. I’m not really taking it well, but I have been doing things to keep my mind off of it.

It really means alot to me, those of you who have been so thoughtful and considerate in this time, I won’t forget it….

I had written this little entry about my grandma and how I felt about her passing, but now I don’t want to use it.

I appreciated her more and more the older I got. I loved her sense of humor and her class. She was the embodiment of class to me and that’s what I’ll always remember about her. Most of the values I have are linked to her directly and indirectly. She had beautiful children who went on to have beautiful grandchildren. She was a loving and dedicated wife, something that becomes rarer and rarer with each passing year.

She will be missed. I realize this isn’t one of my better entries, but I’m really just not feeling it right now…I’m sure you understand….