Way back in 1992, I was around 13 years old and as girl crazy as I probably will ever be. Most of my crushes at the time were around my age, Tatyana Ali, old girl Raquel from school, Staci, etc. But there was one grown ass woman who I lusted after.

Like every straight young black male of my generation I loved En Vogue. Most guys lusted after Dawn or Cindy, but for me….Terry Ellis was more my speed. She had the voice, she was slim, she seemed like she had alot of “spunk”. Terry was my first “cougar”. Something about her seemed like she liked young dudes like me. Maybe I was delusional, wouldn’t be the first (or last based on recent events) time. When the “Whatta Man” video came out in 1993, I was THROUGH, it was a wrap. By the time she got to her “Yaaaaa Hooooo” I was sold and woulda done anything to get at her.

Anyway, I’m sitting here tonight listening to “Don’t Go”, the song on Born To Sing that she has all the lead vocals to, and it’s like I’m 13 again.

I wonder where Terry is now….hmmmm….

Then I realized I hadn’t. I’m in denial if anything.

I’m tired of bringing everyone around me down. This shit has to stop somehow….I don’t know how just yet…but it has to…..

I’d been pretty devoid of dreams lately, but last night was a disturbing one to say the least. I felt like it was real.

See a family member who is currently on the outs with me in real life had gotten engaged and I found out from a friend of mine and NOT that person. Then I asked my sisters and they knew, and everyone else knew so I was the only person who didn’t know. Well in a profanity laced tirade I disowned that person. Not only did I disown them, I became pretty violent as well.

I think this dream speaks to my inner turmoil pretty well. I’m not right right now y’all…..I don’t know what it’s going to take to fix me….but man….

These are things that have brought a smile to my face in the past few relatively smile free days:

- The way Stewie Griffin says certain words like “cool whip”….
- Finding random friends on facebook and it’s NEVER the “people you may know” either…that’s a worthless feature!
- Finally finding a version of Cheba’s “The Piper” for mp3!!!! I’ve been looking for that song for 4 years! Between finding that and finding the season 2 theme to Roc and Keith Mansfield’s “High Velocity” (the song sampled for Memphis Bleek’s “What You Think Of That”) I think I can retire from scouring the internet for songs….
- Songs that fit the occassion perfectly like Deniece William’s “Silly”…well I smiled first anyway, recognizing the perfectness of it all….then another emotion came….
- Being rescued momentarily from my personal hell by H….if only for a few hours….
- Gil Scott-Heron
- Talking to the homie Nile over MSN….
- The homie Eman…..
- Paulie Walnuts on the Sopranos especially when he tells his mom to rest her dogs or orders someone to go to BaJa Fresh….

And…well that’s about it….

In times of uncomfortable hurt and pain I tend to turn to music, particularly Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”. The opening line describes how I feel right now, rather empty. I feel really distant from myself, like that distant ship in the horizon, and what I say only comes through in waves.

Recently my life was invaded by someone from my past. Initially I was pretty happy about it as I’d been thinking about her a great deal. I was hoping she’d found happiness and I admit I thought about what me and her would be like. And then, things moved kind of fast until, well, I was overwhelmed. Already dealing with the myriad of things (some self inflicted like Plaxico Burress and others out of my control) it became too much for me and eventually on Black Friday I lashed out at her with one press of a button. I almost regret it. What I probably regret more is leading her on.

I fear she has probably made a mistake she will regret. Leaving the comfort of the known for the unknown. Giving up some “fa sho” for “some more”, but the other part of me is like, “she’s a grown woman”. She won’t be the first to sell herself on a dream, hell I’m in the process of trying to get a refund on a couple of dreams I sold myself on.

The world is cruel….I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again…who you like doesn’t like you….at some point you’ll have to just settle for what will do in the meantime….