Ever feel like you had a whole lot to say but couldn’t find the words? Maybe it’s me being overly cautious. I rarely exhibit self control/restraint when it comes to saying how I feel, but something is telling me to wait. I hope I don’t outthink myself….I do it often.

I keep saying I’m going to become more of a doer and less of a thinker, but I guess I can’t deny my true nature. I’m just that overanalytical guy. I read too much into some things and not enough into others and it stays getting me in trouble.

This is what happens when I get too much time with my thoughts!!! Argh! I should just go to bed….or watch a movie or something and keep my mind off of things…..

I’ve been told in the past that I’m never satisfied. I can’t say that I was necessarily offended or upset anytime someone has said this to/about me because in my mind I kind of equate satisfaction with complacency. My mind is sick like that.

The crazy Gemini in me craves action and attention. I love to be the star of the show, even when the show isn’t about me. I’m a scene stealer. It’s just in my nature.

Anyway back to satisfaction. All told things are going okay, at least better than like a month ago….and that’s in just about every facet of my life….and still….I want more….even though I know what happens when I go ahead and satisfy my urges. I usuallly end up feeling empty….

Maybe ultimate satisfaction is about letting it build to a sustainable level…..hmmmm….I love insight….

Well today is my last day of Capstone. I still have to officially sign up for something next month. Maybe I will be lucky enough to run into Dr. Jackson today. I really, really don’t want to have to do this Ethics elective. Not that I’m not ethical, because I am….exceedingly so! I just don’t feel like dealing with a “real elective”.

I finally got some good sleep last night after about 2 weeks of burning the candle at both ends non-stop. I’m still not back to 100% rest wise, but I can work better at 80% than say….50%, which is where I was.

Overall though I’m doing okay. I still don’t feel the drug, at least I don’t think I do (except for *ahem* some of the negative side effects), but they say it takes awhile to get going so….I’m being patient.

Patient is the theme lately…just be patient….that payoff is coming one of these days…

So God must really like me….

I still have an outside shot….just maybe…..if everything falls into place correctly….I have to make major moves….and I need like 2 or 3 more miracles….but all is not lost….

And even if I lose this time, I have a chance for next go round….

Maybe I’m fooling myself, but I don’t think I’m that fragile. I realize what time it is and I’m just gonna enjoy the moment. Even if the moment doesn’t last.

It’s not about one thing or the other for me, it’s about the whole.

I don’t have any expectations and I won’t be hurt, I promise. I reconciled those issues with myself a while back. I don’t want YOU to be hurt.

I kinda don’t know what else to say….

John Legend’s Once Again is an outstanding album. I can’t believe I resisted it so long. Just imagine if I hadn’t rode with H all those time when she played the album I probably never would have gotten into it. Now it’s pretty much my favorite. I stopped resisting and just let it happen.

Watched two great movies last night. Choke was a pretty faithful adaptation of the Chuck Palahniuk novel. Angelica Huston is always one of my favorites and she didn’t disappoint though she was understated. Sam Rockwell has been good in everything I’ve seen him in as well. I was laughing to myself at the “Clay Davis” appearance. Overall, I really enjoyed it….

The other movie was Sideways, which of course remains one of my favorites. Watching Myles again I don’t feel so much like him anymore. I don’t know….it was still pretty entertaining nonetheless. There was alot of unspoken/spoken stuff going on in that movie that relates to how men and women communicate (or don’t communicate). Stuff about fear of committment, fear of moving on from past relationships, fear of making the move. Did I learn anything? Probably not.

Maybe once I listen to a John Legend song more than I’ve listened to Stevie Wonder’s “Be Sure You’re Sure”……

This has been a timultuous week in my life. Lots of ups and downs. I’m thankful for both honestly, because I was finally inspired to do some things I should have done long ago.

As I sit here early this morning I’m listening to Regina Belle’s “If I Could”. This song always reminds me of my mom. I imagine that if my mom were a bit more eloquent and open, it’s what she’d say to me right now.

I know you try mom. I need to stop being so angry. I need to let go of the past and not keep letting it hold me back. I know you’d help me get through these hungry years if you could.

I know hardly anyone reads this anymore….but I want this to be here just in case….

I just want to thank those I consider friends for all they do and go through for me….I’m demanding, I’m a narcissist, I’m…well I’m a handful…

I’ve taken action in the name of continued improvement though….so hang in there with me….the best is yet to come…..

Last night I watched Across The Universe. I have to admit, on first viewing some of the parts seemed kind of random for my ADHD riddled brain, but taking the whole as a sum of it’s parts I think it was brilliant and well made.

I know a movie has me if I immediately feel compelled to look it up on wikipedia afterward and soak up information on it. That’s exactly what I did last night. I also put my Beatles playlist on repeat.

I guess this is as good a time as any to reevaluate my Beatles “expertise” (since I kinda got called an authority last night…LOL…argh I hate using “LOL’s”)

As much as I love the Beatles, my collection is woefully incomplete! I have Rubber Soul, Revolver, Sgt. Pepper, Magical Mystery Tour, The White Album, Abbey Road, and Let It Be. Over time Abbey Road has become my favorite of the bunch. I love the medley on what would have been the second side of the album. I give Sgt. Pepper the respect it deserves, but it’s gone from my favorite to somewhere in the middle of the pack. I like the later, more fragmented work of the Beatles more, probably because I’m “fragmented” myself….that probably only makes sense to me.

As for a favorite song….it really depends on the day and my mood. Right now I’m partial to “Michelle” from Rubber Soul because it reminds me of someone. Yeah not subtle at all I know. Looking through my play counts I’ve played “Daytripper” more than any other Beatles song (157) followed by “I Me Mine” (155) and “Something” and “Strawberry Fields Forever” (140 each). I can recall why each was played so many times and I think it speaks to the prevailing moods of my adult life. Honestly I’m surprised I haven’t listened to “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)” more, I think that’s the only real surprise of my Beatles listening.

As to whether I’m a John or Paul guy…honestly I’m split between the two which I guess makes me more of a George guy than either of them. John seemed like someone I wouldn’t have gotten along with/liked AT ALL. Where as Paul seems like a real “yes” guy and I don’t like those types either. George was in the middle of the fray, taking sides and yet trying to stay out of it all.

All of this inspired by a movie…guess I liked it….

I’m sitting here listening to White Zombie’s “More Human Than Human”. I really love this song more than I should.

I won some loot last night playing poker. That was “kinda awesome”.

I’m dancing around it…..hope things didn’t get too weird…prolly did….couldn’t help myself….believe it or not that was restraint….

But I’m patient….I don’t mind waiting…whatever will be will be….even if it’s not the outcome I’m looking for….