…and just live life….

Sorry I don’t have more to say….but I tend to incriminate myself and say waaaaaaaaay too much. It’s dangerous especially lately….I guess I’m playing games, but….well….let me shut up…..

….Paul McCartney and Wings….

I probably shouldn’t say anymore at the current moment….

…by Mary J. Blige ft. DMX and Nas. This song was supposed to be on the “Mary” album but I suspect they had some problems clearing the sample from Bob James’s “Nautilus”. They used a seldom used passage from that oft-sampled song. It’s a nice song, though some find it to be kind of…annoying I guess. The sound in the background can be distracting. The lyrics and song itself though….whew…when Mary J. Blige is on….she is ON!

Sincerity is so important. They say there are certain points when someone is at their most truthful. Drinking, when they first wake up, in moments of danger, in moments of passion. I just wonder what it is about true feelings that we’re so scared of in sober moments, and I’m talking just as much about myself as I am about anyone else.

I think I’m at a point where I guess I’m willing to risk heartache for the potential of what could be….I’m not afraid of the unknown even if it breaks my heart. My heart’s been broken before…I recovered….I learned and….I’m sure in some way shape or form it’ll happen again….that’s life…I’m not going to let that stop me from enjoying something that could potentially be great….no matter how long it lasts!

…another Usher song. 8701 was a pretty good album in hindsight. I didn’t like it when it first came out I think because I didn’t like that song, “U Remind Me” it took a while for that song to grow on me. By the time “You Don’t Have To Call” came out though I think I was sold. I bought that CD for my old buddy Keedra for her birthday that year (I think). Haven’t talked to her in a while! I wonder how she is.

Anyway man….I’m waiting on these punk ass storms to pass through the area so I can go to this Pre-Alumni Ball. I don’t know why I end up going to these things. I mean I usually have fun and all, but still it’s the same old circle jerk.

I talked with my sisters in solidifying graduation plans. I’m starting to get excited…mostly because I’ll get to see them. I think I know where I’m going to try to have my dinner. Nothing fancy, but my favorite resturant nonetheless! Should be pretty cool.

Anyway let me go downstairs and get a sprite and pace for awhile….

Just some things I am enjoying on this fine day….in case I ever need to go back and look to see what was “really good”….

- When Andre 3000 says, “I’ll smack the f*ck out cha” on Love Hater from The Love Below
- The Love Below in general
- The sun shining in on a beautiful sleeping face in the morning
- When it’s supposed to rain all day and the sun makes a cameo appearance like, “eff these clouds I run this”
- A good bowl of chili
- Watching a movie and realizing it’s just as funny or maybe funnier than the last time you watched it…no matter how long it’s been (Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me)
- Finally KNOWING you’re over something you should have been over years ago…and being comfortable enough with it to act as if…..
- Feeling okay with friends moving on, knowing you’ll miss them but it’s for the better….
- Seeing old friends and immediately feeling like it’s old times….like they can just jump right into your current circumstance and just “belong”….that’s why my good friends are the best….it’s never awkward….
- Experiencing new things with new people….
- Good macaroni and cheese!
- Homemade Strawberry Lemonade
- Diddy’s (sometimes insane) tweets on twitter
- Friends who may not really exist…hahaha
- How I Met Your Mother….(I’m finally sold on it completely)
- A nice conversation that lasts maybe 10 minutes too long but that’s okay with Dr. B….
- Life

I love the Rat Pack. The way they lived life and the command they held wherever they went is just magical to me. People keep trying to recreate it with Brat Packs and Frat Packs and George Clooney’s pack of flunkies, but for my money it’ll never be better than Frank, Dino, Joey, Sammy, and Peter.

The Honey Badgers are like the Rat Pack, right down to having an animal represent us.

So if I’m Dino, that makes D. Hall Frank Sinatra, in an ironic twist being the white guy makes Shehane our Sammy, Marc is Joey Bishop and I guess Joe is Peter Lawford by default, though the parallels are there.

I’m sitting here listening to the Live in Lake Tahoe CD that came with the “Dino: The Essential Dean Martin” and just wishing I could have seen the rat pack perform live just once!

What a day what a day!

….by Usher.

Once again…she was a showstopper. STILL the baddest chick in the place, but then that’s everywhere she goes…I’m seeing that.

I’m her number one fan….

The Killa enters the room from a door in the back wearing his grey hoodie a light blue t-shirt, jeans, and white sneakers. He’s flanked by his usual unnamed press secretary, the one from his days on the circuit. He has a manila folder that appears to have many documents and a heavy unknown object in it. The room has a table with a pitcher of water and two glasses turned upside down as well as a silk cloth at each chair and a box of kleenex brand tissue in the middle. The room is about half full with reporters seated and clammoring about what the Killa could possibly have to say.

Press Secretary: Okay the Killa is here for as long as you need him today. As usual one question at a time, and try to keep the questions tasteful. Yes you there from The Maroon Tiger, our favorite college newspaper.

Maroon Tiger Reporter: Yeah thanks. So Killa do you want to talk about the match at all?

Killa Cal (removing hoodie to reveal full beard): Yeah I’ll talk about it. So this is the long and short of it. I didn’t take step two yet, I didn’t enter the match. Since I didn’t enter I didn’t match. I have possibilities but I’m not going to talk about them. I will be graduating in May, May 16th to be exact. Next question.

*audience clammors more and gets slightly chaotic*

Press Secretary: Alright guys calm down….once again, one at a time….we’ll try to answer as many questions as we can. You there from TMZ.

TMZ reporter: So tell us about this wild weekend you allegedly had….

Killa Cal (perking up a bit): Well I don’t know how wild it was…..well actually it WAS kind of wild, but I mean it was on par with any weekend in 2004 except we didn’t go to the Beer Sellar on that Sunday night. Thursday was the match party. I got surprised with an appearance by the homie Geoff. We had a great time at the party. Friday I went to Playdate Nashville and had alot of fun there, though my mind was in other places. Saturday I hosted a kegger at my place. The survivors of the keg stands went to Outback and then we all kind of fell off. Sunday the homie H made one of her bang up meals. It was outstanding! We had lots of guest appearances from ages 2 to like 30*cough*….so all in all I’d say things went smashingly….and as Austin Powers *cough*and someone else I know*cough* would say, “I’m spent”.

Press Secretary: Okay, maybe 3 more questions….sound good? Okay…you there from the Spelman Spotlight.

Spelman Spotlight reporter: So how was your trip to Atlanta you never did really talk about it…..

Killa Cal: Well I mean what is there to say really. I did some of the usual things. I stayed at Twelve. It was great. I ate at Fogo De Chao and it too was great. I went to the aquarium and saw ill tempered sea bass and the feeding of the whale sharks. I was there with cool people. I had a good time. I saw my mother and was glad I got that chance. All told it was great. I even had a chance to show some folks the old stomping grounds and I was in rare story telling mode.

Press Secretary: Oh look it’s Bill Simmons, by all means fire away!

Bill Simmons: I’ve got three questions. How is your bracket doing? How do you like the Hawks chances at 50 wins? and what’s your favorite Saved By The Bell episode….I will now light myself on fire.

Killa Cal: Don’t do that Bill! You’re just getting your mojo back!! Anyway. My bracket is not as bad as in past years. All of my Final Four picks are intact. I won’t have to threaten to retire this year it appears. I think if the Hawks take any two out of the next three games then they will get their 50 wins which would just be outstanding! I can’t tell you how proud I am of that team. That said, the next three are the Spurs, Celtics, and Lakers so ummm….yeah….it’s gonna be tough. My favorite episode of Saved By The Bell….hmmm…that was a random question to ask Bill. I don’t know. Probably the ones where Zack eventually ends up with Kelly and has that outdoor prom with her.

Press Secretary: Okay last question. Wow two “celebs” in a row. Perez Hilton go ahead….

Perez Hilton: Killa what’s this talk of you and a girl name….
*abruptly loses power to his mic*
Press Secretary: Okay that was a bad idea….we’re going to stop now.
*Killa Cal approaches her and whispers something inaudible in her ear*
Press Secretary *away from mic toward Killa Cal*: Are you sure?

Killa Cal *grabs mic harshly creating feedback*: Yeah I got this. *clears throat* I wear my heart on my sleeve. I know this. I had time to think by myself the past few days. And well….you know what happens when I think too much. I’ve been losing myself. I’m doing exactly what I said I wouldn’t do. I keep saying no expectations, but I know deep down it’s not true. I have to be real with myself and just realize certain truths about the situation. I have to understand that it’s not a movie, and I don’t always get the movie ending. Plus I know me, and I know my life and things have been just a LITTLE too good right now. So the big fall is coming eventually. But for now I realize it’s a part of life and sometimes you just have to enjoy the ride. So no matter what I’m enjoying the ride….and that’s that….and that’s all I have to say about the war in Vietnam.

From 2002 until fairly recently I was in the darkest period of my life. Nothing seemed to go right at all for me. I blamed my self for almost all of it. What if I’d been able to recognize the subtle symptoms in my dad? What if I’d been able to help my aunt? What if I’d been paying more attention when that fire started? What if I had paid more attention to her when she needed me?

I would beat myself up over things I couldn’t control. I would let my problems spin out of control and compound. I didn’t know how to cope when things got hard. I wouldn’t go to my friends even when they practically BEGGED me to. I didn’t seek help from people qualified to do it.

I looked for happiness in everyone and everything except where my happiness was, inside of me. I had to hit rock bottom. I thought I was worthless and in doing my final inventory I realized that it was the exact opposite. I mean I have my flaws, but overall I’m a great guy and I don’t say that because other people say it, but because of things I know about myself.

It’s taken me close to 30 years to learn to love myself for who I am and who I ain’t. Some things are too big to overcome….I’ll have a few fatal flaws for the rest of my life and I’m cool with it. Other things I’m working on…..every single day. It’s tough improving yourself in the face of complacency and laziness.

I say all of this to say….happiness will probably be in the very last place you look….and it doesn’t matter who else sees it (including my selfish ass)….you have to find it yourself. I’ll be there for you while you look for it. No expectations, no pressure….no matter how long it takes….because that’s what friends do….it’s my turn to be that kind of friend.

This has been one of the greatest weekends ever! I have great friends man I’m telling you! And when things are clicking with us on all cylinders watch out!

Outback Steakhouse will never be the same…..my kitchen may recover though!

Plus….well I already say too much….but best addition to the Killa universe ever….I’ll leave it at that…..