I’m tired y’all…and it’s not just school that’s eating at my energy.

I play my cards close to the vest.  At times that makes me aloof, and even downright weird.  I don’t share my feelings with everyone.  Although I know alot of people, there are precious few people who I consider in my inner circle, and of those even fewer who I feel like I can let my guard down around.

But recently I’ve been trying…with mixed results….

I was told recently that it’s best to be upfront with people about your intentions and so I decided to try that out this week.  Instead of playing along and being pretentious (I hate pretense in all of its forms), I finally, after much thought and internal struggle told someone that I would be seeing soon that I wasn’t interested in being just a friend anymore.  I didn’t want to marry the girl, hell I didn’t even want to be her boyfriend….but I wasn’t trying to be her friend either.

That didn’t really work out.  I decided it was in my best interest to not pursue ANYTHING with her any further, because honestly, it would just be painful to be around her knowing what I wanted and what she wanted were apparently two different things.

So ends my short foray into risk taking.  I’ve never been one to do what people tell me to do as it pertains to women.  I’m not the guy who is going to be "dared" or peer-pressured into talking to a girl.  I’m not going to make a move on a girl just because "we make a good couple".  I’m not going to put my feelings on the line on a whim.

I realize the consequences of the above as well.  I realize that I may miss out on love or never get married and all that other shit that normal people value/make the be all end all of their lives.  I’m just not a "regular" guy I guess.

The chase doesn’t thrill me.  I’m not gonna chase after a girl.  I don’t enjoy that shit.  I don’t like "hard to get".  I put my feelings out there ONCE and if she isn’t receptive, I move on.  I don’t have any "game" and I don’t really want any.  I want a woman who likes me for me….and I’m never going to be that suave player guy.  I don’t have money, and I probably never will be rich, I’m content to be comfortable and make sure my children don’t have to struggle like me and my sisters did.

I’m not the type of guy to just up and reveal the contents of my heart and soul to ANYONE.  There are like four people currently who know more about the state of my heart than anyone else and it’s because I trust them almost as completely as I’ve ever trusted anyone.  I just don’t feel that with anyone else…I don’t know if I ever will….

I know I came close…..or at least I was moving in that direction….but now….now I’m good….