The past few months years have been kind of rough for your boy. I’ve had to deal with failure on a few fronts. I’ve had things not go my way. I’ve had people I love and care for be hurt and even die. I was really living a charmed life up until 2001, and frankily ya’ll I’m not dealing with it well.
I look at who I’ve become and I’m not happy. I’ve become a pessimist of the highest order. I’ve become an acid tongued jerk to some people. Sometime I seek approval in the wrong places. Sometimes I do stupid shit just for a momentary cheap thrill.
To this point I’ve been lucky. No hard drugs, no real life threatening situations that I’ve been aware of, but I get the feeling even that luck is starting to run out. I need a change in my life.
I mentioned on my livejournal my desire to actually seek some therapy (and maybe even prescription drugs) to deal with some of these issues, because minus the occassional vent here, I’ve been doing it on my own. Things are coming to a head one way or the other, I might as well take pre-emptive steps.
At any rate, I realize some people I’ve been less than savory towards as a result of things outside of their control. I’ve taken out anger on people who didn’t deserve it by any means and I know these apologies may ring hollow here, but I’m offering them nonetheless.
Some people have been victims (in various and sundry ways) of some of my foolish actions and I’m sorry for them as well. I swear I should be a subsection of life-insurance policies. Like people should be able to earn hazard money for dealing with me. To those people, I’m eternally grateful for you putting up with me and shit.
I’m a weird guy. I’m different…or at least I like to think so. Maybe it’s only in my head. But one way or another it’s going to be straightened out. I wasn’t always like this. I had my problems, but they were managable. Things are out of control right now though. I gotta get out of this tailspin.
March 29th, 2005 at 10:11 am
I’m a lurker & have read your website frequently. Good for you. Change is a very good thing, but the first step in change is to realize/recognize that there is a problem. By embracing change, you have challenged yourself to be better and do better. Good luck on your journey.
March 29th, 2005 at 4:07 pm
Those same people you are apologizing to are the ones who love and care about you. Don’t forget to utilize your resources in these people and call upon them cuz you know they will be there for you.
March 31st, 2005 at 3:51 pm
the people that you mention obviously care about you, and i’m sure they understand what you’re going through (if they’re aware). it might be good for you to talk to someone about your problems though, but don’t be so quick to jump on that ‘quick fix’ route with popping pills…you know how i’m always ranting about the over-medication of america’s children. adults can go through that, too, you know?
April 4th, 2005 at 11:54 pm
You know, therapy’s not a bad route to take if you feel you need it. I’ve needed it for years and have chosen to do without and look how fucked up I ended up.