I pressed the reset button on my life….I get to start from my last save point (Aug. 2001)….I’m starting over….well not exactly, but you’ll get the idea….
Last night I read a literary criticism of “The Catcher In The Rye”….nothing in particular led me to do it…..I guess I just wanted to see what the “experts” thought of it, compared to what I got out of it….I am very glad that I did it….
See I was becoming/already am a 24 year old, Black version of Holden Caufield….Not liking anyone….holding everyone to standards that I don’t necessarily hold myself to….immature…..running away from problems instead of facing them directly….poor performance in class….alienating myself from my friends/people who care about me….having Madonna/whore complexes for women….no trust in anyone….even the whole holding the little sister(s) in the highest esteem (the only person Holden really respected throughout the book was his sister Phoebe…much like the regard I hold Nina and Che in)….I was/am Holden to a tee….
I don’t like that….I don’t want to end up the way he did….I am resolving to recognize this early and cut it off….I’m doing this in all aspects….
I’ve started to go to the gym regularly with Geoff and Dave to get my body right….I am devoting a great deal more time to reading for school so that I have read what the professor is covering before they cover it….and then reading through it again after class….I am going to change my diet (probably the hardest thing for me…I love spaghetti and Taco Bell so much!!)…..
Most important I am going to try and appreciate the people who really care for me and show me true friendship….Andrea, Jamila, and Jeralyn I’m sorry….ya’ll have a great deal of patience and fortitude for putting up with a crazy guy like me….I’m a work in progress….I got a ways to go….but hang in there with me….I really appreciate ya’ll….
July 30th, 2003 at 5:35 pm
I’m sure the mere recognition and action of working on what you know needs to be worked on with(in) yourself will be enough for them to forgive you, if they even needed to forgive you. It’s good to see you trying to cope differently. All the negative outlash and self-consumption leads one to ruin, and I myself am glad to see someone I’ve come to give a damn about turn around on himself and try and conquer the problem, especially someone with as much potential as yourself homie.
July 30th, 2003 at 8:54 pm
Good Job Calvin. Things will work out for the best. Since spaghetti and taco bell are your favorite foods, to deprive yourself completely of them will cause you to binge on them in your “weaker” moments. Set up small milestones and goals, and once you achieve them, reward yourself with those things you like so much. That way, you still get to have them (in moderation, of course), but only after you’ve accomplished something… you win all the way around.
July 31st, 2003 at 12:13 am
That’s great Calvin… I found your blog through Max’s and it’s great reading.. So glad that you got some insight into your life and the path you’re on.. I’m in about the same boat myself. Best of luck to you on your new quest.. i’ll be praying for ya
July 31st, 2003 at 1:12 am
hey calvin.. I was just talkin 2 max and we were talkin about ya blog and he told me who the hamfat u are.. i feel so silly… I didnt even know it was u boo. How ya been?? In case u 4got like me.. it’s chocolatedrop54 from cc.. chaconna holla at me in da emails n check my blog.. (i got the link right this time lol)
July 31st, 2003 at 11:48 am
It’s great to hear about your new resolve!
July 31st, 2003 at 12:38 pm
good stuff calvin my dear.
catcher in the rye was an excellent book. i had to read it in psychology. i had to do a case study on holden, sad to say I FAILED, because i said through all my studies “holden is normal”
blah!
July 31st, 2003 at 5:45 pm
This is Calvin… the Remix… Has a nice ring to it. But I feel you too, I am now crawling out of a 3 and a half year hole I dug myself, but I am MUCH wiser for the experience (I just wish it hadn’t taken that long LOL)
I think you will be OK though, I got faith in ya…
August 1st, 2003 at 12:28 am
hey sweetie.. nice site.. looking good.. keep up the good work!!